Friday, December 30, 2005

Re: Peculiar Mormon’s "Gay" Issues

I can understand why a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints with homosexual inclinations, tendencies or desires might have a problem with the term "gay." I apologize if I have offended any such persons by using the word. I just find the whole argument to be a bit silly – no offense. I don’t believe that many people make the same distinction between the word "gay" and "same-sex attraction." Perhaps they should. But I doubt they do.

When I use the word gay, I simply mean that I am attracted to men. That doesn’t mean I have rainbow stickers on my bumper. That doesn’t mean I like shopping with my girlfriends. That doesn’t mean I get regular manicures and pedicures. It simply means I am physically and emotionally attracted to men. I doubt anyone outside Mormon gay culture – excuse me, Mormon same-sex attraction culture ;) – would misunderstand that. Plus, saying "I’m gay" sounds better to me than saying "I’m a man with same-sex attraction" or "I have homosexual tendencies." To me, that’s like saying I am a human of the male gender. Sure, it’s correct, but it’s easier to say, "I’m a man." It’s just an argument over semantics. Anyhow, now you know what I mean when I use the word.

While we’re on the topic, I want to defend myself against the accusation of improper word usage. I think I'm the shit when it comes to English grammar and usage, so I must address this. For the record, I have never used the word"gay" as a noun. I know it’s an adjective and I’ve only used it as such. The phrase "I’m gay" is an example of the adjectival usage. It’s just like saying "I’m ugly," "I’m skinny," or "I’m annoyed." Ugly, skinny and annoyed are all adjectives. If I were to use an article, either the definite or indefinite one, then I would be using the word as a noun. Saying "I’m a gay" or "I’m the gay" is an example of the noun form of the word gay. Hardly anyone ever uses the word as a noun.

That’s just an aside. I wanted to prove that I know my nouns and adjectives. :) I feel better.

Lastly, I disagree with Peculiar Mormon on the issue of disclosure. I strongly believe in being open and honest with people. PM suggested I am not "as willing to fight this" because I am telling others. I disagree full heartedly. The only people I’ve known who have fought this successfully – in a manner I respect and appreciate – have been open and honest with their loved ones. I think secrecy is the breeding grounds for major problems. By telling my siblings that I am gay – or that I struggle with homosexual tendencies – I am not saying I am going to live a homosexual lifestyle. I have been frank with them and have told them that I simply don’t know what I’m going to do. Like I’ve noted before, I have made no hard decisions and I constantly go back and forth on the issue.

In any case, the fact is I am attracted to men. Beyond pride, I see no reason for hiding that detail of my life. I’m sure many people could argue against my philosophy. That’s fine. I know a lot of people who live very mysterious lives and don’t reveal any intimate details. And that's fine. But I’ve always prided myself on the fact that my life is an open book – except for the closed homosexual chapter – and I am happiest that way. It’s always bothered me that this part of me has been a secret. Plus, if I really do want help with this aspect of my life, then I’m going to have to open up. That’s one reason why I’ve decided to open this chapter and share it with others. So far, I’ve found the experience to be very helpful – for both me and others. I feel a lot better about myself and my life.

I guess that by "labeling" myself or telling people about my sexuality I am probably reducing my chances of finding a willing girl to marry me. That’s fine. I figure if God really did give me this as a trial and if he really wants me to fight it or overcome it, then he will make that possible -- regardless of the number of people I tell. After all, His will be done. I highly doubt that telling others about my struggles will thwart the plan of God. :)

Alright, everyone bored with this blog entry? I don’t blame you. Here’s a more interesting fact: I finally told my best friend last night over the phone. She didn’t even seem phased by it. She said she would love me regardless of my decisions. She also had suspected that I am gay, but she didn’t want to ask me about it. Bless her heart. She’s wonderful!

I’ve decided that my timing on this has been pretty dang good. By this point, most people have already suspected it, so it hasn’t been a major revelation to anyone. I’m glad that people have been prepared for it thus far. Next people: another brother and his wife. This one should go just as smoothly.

Happy New Year!

Monday, December 26, 2005

Out To A Sibling

Someone congratulate me! I finally grew some balls and told one of my brothers and his wife. *Huge sigh of relief!* I don’t know why, but telling people about my struggles is so therapeutic! (Okay, I admit that's a stupid statement -- but it really does amaze me.) I feel as if a load of bricks has been lifted from my shoulders. I don’t really understand why, either. Nothing has changed. I’m still gay. I’m still undecided on how to live my life. I still have porn problems. Regardless, I feel much better.

Things really couldn’t have gone better. This is how it went down …

I had been staying at my brother’s house for a week or so. Over the course of my stay, they has asked me about marriage a few times. I just brushed it off. Finally, on Friday night of last week, Dec. 23, they really pinned me down. They started asking why I was so opposed to marriage, why I didn’t date girls, and why I avoided their questions. I just continued to deflect their questions for about 20 minutes. The entire time, I was thinking, “I want to tell them, but I don’t dare.” Finally, I told myself that if my sister-in-law asked me one more time why I didn’t date girls, I would tell her. Well, she asked.

I said, “Do you guys really want to know why I’m not into dating girls?” They, of course, responded in the affirmative. Then I got emotional. I was surprised. The tears started gushing, and in a broken voice I said, “I struggle with homosexual tendencies. I’m gay.” The tears wouldn’t stop coming. Both of them got up and sandwiched me in a big hug. I couldn’t believe how calm they both were! My sister-in-law did shed a few tears with me, but both of them were extremely composed. I regained my composure after about a minute or two of crying.

We then began a discussion about my situation. It was great. They said from the beginning: “You know you can talk to us about these things. Why didn’t you come to us earlier?” They were more than understanding and supportive. I could not have asked for a better reaction! Honestly.

Naturally, my brother suggested that I try to continue living as a heterosexual. I expected this, and he really offered the suggestion in love. I explained that I didn’t know exactly how I was going to live my life. I warned him I may make some decisions that are highly unpopular with the family. Remarkably, they seemed to understand. Well, my brother didn’t say anything after I said that. My sister-in-law said she could understand why I might make that choice.

I can’t get over how positive the whole experience was!

They believe I can tell my other siblings without fearing banishment. I’ve always felt that deep down, but it’s so nice to get verbal confirmation from a third party. Get this: my sister-in-law said she believes that even my mother would be able to cope with it – even though it wouldn’t be easy. I’m considering telling her.

My sister-in-law also confirmed that the family was starting to wonder. As I mentioned in a previous blog, my sister has already confronted me about it. I even lied to her, telling her no I’m not gay – that’s something I intend to fix soon. My other sister-in-law has suspected that I am gay for years now. I plan to come out to her and my brother this weekend. In fact, I have committed to come out to all my siblings within the next year. I won’t be able to come out to them all right away, but in a year’s time it will happen. The main problem is that I want to tell them in person – not over the phone. It’s going to take time before I have a chance to get each sibling (along with spouse) alone in person.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the obscure blessing in my timing! I was very fortunate to have told my brother and his wife when I did. Two days after leaving their home, my brother called me and told me he had found some gay porn on his computer. Yes, unfortunately, I had been into it on his computer. Anyhow, I am so glad that I had told him about my sexuality beforehand! It would have been awful for him to find out about me that way.

He was less understanding about the porn on his computer. He said that he doesn’t care what kind of porn I’m viewing – he wants to help me quit it quickly. I’ll be honest: I’m not too excited about his offer to help. But he was pretty insistent, so I don’t have much choice. I guess I’m bugged because I feel like I am making progress, yet he acted like he was the first to know about my problem with it. Ah, I’ll get over it. I’m sure he’ll be good about it. He usually is.

So I’ve been thinking about why I was emotional when I came out to my brother and his wife. I wasn’t emotional coming out to my other two friends. My reaction just didn’t make sense to me. But then I realized that I also cried when I told my father. (I don’t remember crying when talking to anyone else about it.) I decided that I honestly believe that my family will be disappointed or disgusted with me, or reject me. I hate letting people down, and that’s what I feel like I’m doing when I tell family. There simply is so much emotion behind these homosexual issues.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt peace like this. It’s so relieving to talk about these issues. Yet, each time it’s extremely difficult to do. I suppose the best things in life don’t come easily, so I’ll deal with the difficulty.

Happy holidays!!!

Friday, December 16, 2005

One Year Later

Hmmm. What’s the last thing I should be doing at 2:30 a.m.? That’s right … blogging. :) I feel bad that my blog has gone rather unattended in recent months. My apologies to all those faithful readers who can’t make it through the day without hearing from gay Mormon boy. I’m sure there are so many like that. No, I am super happy that I have the few readers that I do have (that sentence sucked structurally ... but I don’t feel like recasting it … it’s going to stay).

Well, it was a little over a year ago when I first began this blog. What a wonderful experiment! I started thinking about my blog, and I wondered: what has this blog done for me? One reader said about ten months ago that even after a year's time I would be at the exact same point because I can’t make up my mind. He’s right. I don’t think I’m any more decided on my sexuality than when I first began this blog. I still believe the church is true. I still have homosexual desires.

However, I don’t think this blog was a waste. Let’s do a quick recap of the year.

1) I was able to come out to two friends – something I probably wouldn’t have done without this blog. This dialogue has helped me become more confident in myself as a gay person. Two people may not be a lot, but it's a beginning.

2) I have realized that I love who I am. I love my personality and I love being me. I have imperfections, but that’s okay. I’m still a good person (at least I think I am).

3) I have come to realize that people are wonderful! So many blog readers have said so many wonderful things about me. Maybe it’s just because I’m a sucker for flattery, but I think you all are phenomenal. I wish I could meet you all. I just absolutely love reading the nice (and even the not-so-nice) things people have said on this post. I realize that the group of people who read this blog has probably changed dramatically over the past year, but I hope you all know how grateful I am for your wonderful comments. Thanks everyone!

4) I have come to realize that both sides of this debate have equally valid points. It’s a tough dilemma: religion v. sexuality.

5) Last, but not least, I have decided to gradually reveal my homosexuality to family and friends. I just decided this recently. In fact, I was so close to coming out to my best friend last night. I chickened out – for several reasons – but I told her I wanted to tell her something this Sunday. I’m nervous about it, but I feel like it’s time. I feel like she has an idea and that she should know. I just hope telling her doesn’t change our relationship too dramatically.

Speaking of telling her, how should I go about it? I was thinking of a top 10 list of funny/horrible /cheesy ways to come out to somebody. I didn’t come up with 10, but here are the ones that I did come up with. You can vote on the one you like best (see side bar). We’ll pretend my good friend’s name is Heather.

A) Heather, you and I are so much alike … we both like peppermint hot chocolate, we both love to dance, we’re both attracted to men ...

B) You know how we both love David (mutual friend)? Well, I really do LOVE David.

C) Heather, I’ve been meaning to tell you something for a long time. I’ve been thinking about us a lot lately. I know we’ve always just been good friends, but I think we should take this relationship to the next level. That’s why I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told another girl in my entire life. Heather, I’m gay.

D) Oh, I have a funny story for you. You know how I'm gay, right? Well the other day...

Any other funny ways of telling your best friend your gay? I’m definitely open to ideas! I'm positive you all have funnier ways of saying, "I'm gay."

Thursday, December 15, 2005

All Polls Ever On Gay Mormon's Site

Here are a few old polls that have been on my blog. I just thought it was a shame to get rid of them, so I've posted them here in the archives for anyone who's curious. By the way, I update this post regularly, so even though it is dated December 15, 2005, it remains current.


Gay Dating

Ex-Gay Organizations

In or Out

Religion V. Sexuality

Mormon? What's Your Religion?