Friday, April 28, 2006

And then there were ten minutes of silence...

Tonight’s conversation really wasn’t much of a conversation. We had gone out for dinner and a movie (a stupid one at that – American Dreamz sucks), and then we had driven home in silence. Despite the silence, I think the 20-minute ride was one of the shortest in my life. I hate being the bearer of bad news.

However, I don’t think he was surprised. Neither of us was. It was just a conversation that we had to have. Again, it wasn’t much of a conversation.

He pulled up in front of my place, and we just sat there in silence for several minutes. Both of us knew what was coming. After a few minutes, I finally broke the ice. (I knew he wouldn’t – the sucker!) I said:

“Doc, I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For the awkwardness tonight. I’m sorry, but I’m just not feeling it anymore.”

A few moments of silence.

Me: “What are your thoughts?”

Doc: “Yeah, I think I started to notice just before I left town.”

Me: “Yeah, I agree.”

More silence.

Me: “The question now is how do we proceed?”

We both gave each other awkward smiles, indicating that neither really knows the best way.

More silence.

Me: “I wish I didn’t have every break-up cliché known to man running through my head ... let’s just be friends ... I think you’re a great guy ... I hope you find your dream guy ... I will always remember the good times.”

A chuckle from the doc. More silence. A lot more silence. For ten minutes, we just sat in silence holding each other’s hand. So, that’s what happens when two dudes break up. No communication at all. Actually, the silence said enough, and I don’t think either of us wanted to interrupt it.

No tears were shed. No emotions were really expressed (because a two-month relationship is so difficult to get over -- ha!). We just went through what we both knew was coming. I thought I could stick with the relationship until he left town for his residency, but I just couldn’t handle the awkwardness any longer. I knew that I wasn’t that emotionally connected to him. That's all I knew.

I don’t know how emotionally connected he was to me. It’s hard to judge because just yesterday he was texting things like, “I care about you a lot” and “I miss you so much.” But then tonight he didn’t seem that affected. I hope he wasn’t.

After 10 minutes of silence (which is a damn long time ... try sitting in a parked car for ten minutes straight without saying a word ... you’ll see how long that is!), I asked again:

“So, how do we proceed?”

“I would hope we can still be friends.”

“I want that too.”

So, there you have it. We ended our relationship like nearly every other couple on earth – as just friends. I actually think it will be easier for me to be friends with him now that we’ve had that talk. Now I won’t feel any guilt for not being that “into” him. I look forward to keeping in touch with him – if it happens.

Honestly, all the cliché things I thought and said to him – they were all true. He really is a phenomenal guy. He’s nice. He’s successful. He’s funny. He’s grounded. He’s cute. I really do wish him the best. I hope we stay in touch. But only time will tell ...

And, of course, once time tells me, I’ll tell the world wide web.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Down Time

The reason I haven't been posting lately is twofold: 1) I had some big projects at work and 2) I've got nothing new to report.

Things are just kind of ho-hum for the time being. I'm not complaining. It's nice to have a period where nothing is really happening. Even on the boyfriend front, nothing is really happening. The doc has been out of town for the past 2 weeks (he's been looking for housing in his new city). That's why nothing new has really happened.

Actually, that does bring up a new issue ...

With the doc leaving, I'm starting to realize that I'm going to have to find new friends ... again. I feel like the past year of my life has been a constant friend-making experience, which is good and bad. It's good because I have a lot of new friends in a lot of different areas. It's bad because though I love friends, I'm not a big fan of the "friend-making process." The whole "getting to know you" part just isn't the most fun. I realize it's a necessary evil, and that it can be fun. I'm just venting. This is my blog -- I can do that.

Anyhow, I am a little disappointed that I haven't made many "close" friends in the past year. I've moved around so much, it's been difficult to establish really deep, meaningful friendships -- though I have succeeded with one or two people. Unfortunatley, they don't live anywhere near me. I mean, even the doc falls into this category. I've become fairly close to him, but he's leaving in a month or so.

My new objective for the year: establish close, meaningful relationships with people in my area who plan to stay in the area.

Okay, well, I'm off to find more friends. I'll let you know how things go.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Conan O'Brien is easily the funniest late night talk show host.

Nothing happening in my life right now. Just work. And South Park. And Will and Grace.

I told two more friends. Both are struggling with the church. I think that's why I felt so comfortable telling them. They were fine with it. They always are. I'm realizing that people just don't care that I'm gay -- i.e., they don't think any differently about me and they don't have time to analyze my issues when they have problems of their own to worry about. I guess I knew this beforehand, but it's nice to have it confirmed. I'm glad they have reacted as I anticipated they would.

It's funny how three of my closest friends have "lost" their testimonies in the last while. I'm really lucky because all my friends who have fallen away from the church are really down-to-earth, non-hateful people. None of them resents the church; they simply don't follow it or believe it much these days.

Please don't respond to the last paragraph with hateful church comments. For the record, the majority of my close friends are still active, church-going Mormons. The four of us are definitely exceptions to the Mormon rules.

Can I just vent something right now ... I really want to meet a good-looking, nice Mormon guy to date! That would be great! I just wish I could date someone who understands the religion issue. I realize that this will not likely happen -- especially in this area -- but I can dream, can't I?

Okay, that's all for today.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Back and forth, back and forth ... anyone sea sick yet?

The doc and I just finished fooling around. How do I feel? Hmmm. Not guilty (it sounds like I'm in court). In other words, I don't feel bad about our little hanky panky. Maybe disappointed is the word. I'm not saying I didn't have fun ... I did. I’m just trying to figure out why I feel the way I do after any sort of intimacy.

Possible explanations :

1 - Maybe my expectations for gay intimacy are too high.

2 - Perhaps this means I don't have strong enough feelings for the doc.
3 - Maybe I’m overanalyzing these emotions and giving too much credence to one experience.
4 - Prepare yourself for this possible explanation ... Maybe this means gay intimacy isn't worth it. (Gasp!) Perhaps the church is right ... (Double Gasp!)

To be completely fair and honest with myself and with the rest of the world, I can't rule that last one out. As you all know, I still believe in many of the church’s doctrines, and the jury is still out on many others.

Does this mean I am going to run out and marry a woman? No. Does it mean I am going to live a celibate lifestyle? No. It simply means I am still figuring things out. It’s been nearly 1.5 years since beginning this blog, and I’m still unsure of so much. Sometimes I feel like I’m letting some of you down by constantly oscillating from one side to the other. But then I think, “These are my problems, damn it! I can oscillate if I want to!”

Switching gears ...

A friend asked if I feel inhibited to write about personal things now that I know my brother and his wife are reading this. I’ll admit that it’s a little awkward – after all, I do write quite candidly here. Nonetheless, I’ve been very open with them, and I would tell these things to their faces if they were to ask me. So, no, I don’t feel too inhibited knowing that they are reading this. They don’t have to read it if it’s over the top for them.

Plus, I’ve been trying to avoid giving too many details about personal experiences – just relevant details. Heck, if people wanted to read a porno story, they could hit up one of a billion other sites. They don’t need to hear about my pathetic experiences to get off. Ha!

Others asked if I fear that my bro and his wife might reveal my blog to others. No, I don’t fear that. They love and respect me, and they know that I want this to be as anonymous as possible. I trust them completely and know they will honor my wishes.

Gotta love my family!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I don't understand people who sniff household chemicals.

I feel like I just drank a bottle of Lysol Mildew Remover through my nose. I cleaned my shower over three hours ago, yet the smell is still in my nostrils. I thought I was going to pass out and die while I was scrubbing the tub. Will this smell ever go away? Moving on ...

So many thoughts ... so little time.

First, conference weekend always stirs emotions. Let’s itemize a few of them:

1) nostalgia

2) peace

3) uncertainty

4) confusion

5) frustration

6) determination

7) sleepiness

Of course, I didn’t feel all these feelings at the same time. The nostalgia came when I thought of past conference weekends. General conference always involves friends and family, so I naturally started to miss all my friends and family in Utah.

I felt feelings of peace and comfort, which can be attributed to familiarity or the spirit (depending on your viewpoint). But these comfortable feelings went away when I started to think about the afterlife. I hate thinking about the afterlife. It creeps me out. I don’t want to rot in hell because I’m gay. I’m hoping that won’t be the result ...

However, I can’t help but wonder if that isn’t my fate. When I listened to the prophet express his deep, heartfelt belief in the church, I couldn’t help but think that this man has a greater understanding of life and its purpose than I.

I’ll tell you what ... if these guys (the leaders) are just talking out of their asses, they sure are convincing when they do it! Our dear prophet (whom nobody can bash on this site because he’s just the sweetest man alive) says so convincingly that he “knows” this is Christ’s one and only church! How could this kind, humble, honest, wholesome person fake something like that? (That question is rhetorical.) I did, however, wonder if he’s like many members who just hope it’s true and say they know it’s true, but who don’t really know.

I do get frustrated during conference, though. For example, I get annoyed when they …

1) hammer the same points over and over (every six months it's the same talks said differently).

2) focus so much on families that I can’t help but feel like a bastard child in the church (the church is ignoring its fastest growing demographic – young single adults).

3) don’t mention homosexuality (though I can understand why they wouldn’t).

4) say a woman’s proper role is at home with kids (even though I must admit I loved having a stay-at-home mom; nonetheless, I think that should be the woman’s decision).

5) ALL speak in their “conference” voices, which are rhythmic, unnatural, slow, and cheesy (tradition can be a bitch to break).

Besides those minor annoyances, I had a great weekend. The doc didn’t join me like he said he would. He couldn’t make it because of reasons x, y and z (which is fine by me). He assured me that he wants to come to church sometime, but we’ll see if that ever happens. I don’t know if I’d feel comfortable taking him to my ward. That might be a little over the top for me. We'll have to see.

Anywho ... foxx had a great post today. Honesty is always the best policy.

P.S. I've been meaning to give a shoutout to my good friend's attorney brother-in-law in Arizona. Can't wait for Karaoke next year! Plan on it, pal.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Jewish Doctor to Attend Mormon Conference

The doc is coming to General Conference with me tomorrow! Ha! For the clueless, the Mormon church holds a semi-annual, worldwide conference via satellite television. Church leaders address the members on various topics over the course of two days. If you're interested, it's streamed live over the Internet:

The conference is a two-day event, comprised of five two-hour sessions -- a total of 10 hours. Don't worry, I always manage to sleep through at least one or two of the sessions. :) I'm such a horrible Mormon.

Anyhow, I think it's funny the doc wants to come! I did not pressure him at all -- I just invited. Plus, I think it'll be good for him to see things. Funniest part: he's a Jew! hahaha! This relationship cracks me up.