Tim, Welcome to Our Gay Blogging Family -- Home Away from Home!

Thank you for the entertainment everyone. The dialogue certainly has me laughing. I only laugh because my brother is totally misrepresenting himself! It’s amazing how differently a person can be portrayed in writing.

If you all met my brother, you would all love him! I’m not kidding. I know it’s hard to believe because his writing has been so passionate and adversarial. (He just wants to get a rise out of people – which he’s done quite successfully.) But I assure you he is much more tactful and pleasant in real life. He’s equally passionate about his perspective in real life – don’t get me wrong – but he’s more empathetic and compassionate.

Honestly, he’s only this argumentative and combative with close friends and family members. So logically we can assume that my brother actually considers you all family. See, he loves you – but he masks it. He’s all about keeping things secret.

My brother? A therapist? Ha! He’s a doc, alright, but definitely not of the psychological type. Good laugh. Can you imagine him counseling someone? Say a schizophrenic person? I think it would go something like this:

“You and all the voices in your head need to stop whining. Your voices all have obvious liberal biases, but I think I can help. Let me give you a copy of my most recent publication: ‘What Brother Tim Thinks the Schizophrenic Religion Should Do to Become More Mainstream and Accepted.’ Read that, and the voices will go away.”

Bless my brother’s heart. He really is great. As I mentioned before, I am beyond lucky to have such caring siblings. He talks a mean game, but he’s very soft on the inside. He’ll love me forever – despite the choices I make – and he would even be the first to welcome a boyfriend of mine into the family.

Speaking of boyfriends, the other doc (which is now very confusing to say because my brother mentioned that he considers himself a doctor) and I hung out tonight. We had a nice relaxing evening. We also had a great weekend skiing. We’ve been having a lot of great times together. He’s a fantastic guy.

However, I didn’t realize how addicted I am to being single, so this is an adjustment for me – a sometimes difficult one at that. I'm just not used to answering to people. I’m not used to sacrificing for others. I’ve always just done my own thing. Heck, I’m realizing how selfish of a person I really am. I didn’t even think to ask what he wanted to watch on TV tonight. I just tuned it to the show I like and assumed he would like it too. He didn’t. Ha!

I remember reading on another gay Mormon’s blog that he felt like an infant when it came to relationships because he had never had them. That’s how I feel. I feel relationshiply underdeveloped. Because of that -- and other things -- I have considered jumping ship at least a hundred times so far. I do this whenever I find a mild flaw, whenever I feel mildly uncomfortable, or whenever I think of how much money I’ve spent since meeting him. Of course, I realize that I am being retarded and that I am just too used to my independence. So I stay the course.

Anyhow, things are going well between him and me. Considering the mandatory separation in June, I don’t know that our relationship will last all that long. Nonetheless, I’m enjoying my time with him for the moment. I hope to have -- at the very least -- a long-term friend. I’m so lucky to have someone who is so patient with me. He’s been completely supportive of cooling things down (tonight we just kissed – no hanky panky). I feel very lucky to have found such a great guy.

Maybe he and I will have to take Chip up on his offer for free tickets to a show in NY! Who knew this blog would ever pay off in a monetary sense? ;)

My brother will be starting his own blog soon ... iHateGayMormonsBlog.blogspot.com ;)

Thanks, Tim, for keeping my blog active over the weekend. Ha! I was extremely surprised to see 28 new comments in my inbox. Even more surprising was my brother’s participation. Pretty funny, actually. I’m happy he’s willing to comment.

I must admit that I was not surprised by anything my brother said. He’s very open about his opinions, and he’s never afraid to take opposing viewpoints. Additionally, he’s never wrong. But neither am I, so it works out. :)

I just have a few comments before I go to bed tonight.

First, I see no harm in writing about my personal issues on this blog. Why? Because a) I believe in openness, b) I haven’t written anything too horrible, offensive, or embarrassing, and c) it has been a good outlet for me.

In fact, I disagree strongly with the idea that homosexuality – or any major struggle – should be hidden or covered up. Homosexuality is a very real thing, and I don’t think secrecy is good for the individual, the church, society, etc. Even if people believe homosexuals shouldn’t “act out” or live gay lifestyles, that doesn’t mean gay people will cease to exist. It’s an issue/topic that must be addressed -- and not just with religious leaders and family members.

I personally have struggled with homosexuality the most when I was secretive about it. Secrecy is the breeding grounds for trouble. I think Tim would agree with that statement.

Honestly, one of my pet peeves about church culture is the lack of openness. There’s so much shame, embarrassment, and secrecy associated with people’s real problems. I hope that culture changes – and I think it has been changing. Heck, if the church is serious about helping homosexuals, the culture must change.

But even if the culture doesn’t change, the facts remain: I am attracted to men, I have looked – and will likely look again – at porn, and I masturbate occasionally. If I’m serious about finding solutions or resolution to my struggles, then I must get past my ego.

To summarize, I don’t believe this personal issue should be limited to family and religious leaders. I have solicited advice and counsel from many sources – including BYU counseling, several religious leaders, my father, and even my loving, opinionated brother. I know their perspective, I appreciate that perspective, and I even agree with many elements of that perspective. But it’s not the only one out there, and I want to hear others. Hence, my blog.

Sorry, Tim. I will continue to blog about this. And I will also continue to talk to family members and religious leaders. And I will work hard to avoid hurting others via my blog.

I must say that I'm flattered by the amount of love my family has always shown me. I am very lucky to have such a supportive, loving brother like Tim. He, like many of you, wants what's best for me. I'm blessed to have him as my sibling.

Tim, you’re always welcome to comment here.

Doc wants to pray

Things are going well. I didn't lose anything tonight, and we discussed my limits. To this point, he has been more than understanding. I can't believe how patient he has been with me. I didn't think any gay guy would be so willing to wait and go slow. As the doc has pointed out, one week is like one year in gay dating time, so we're doing pretty good. :) Ha! Honestly, we are doing well. I can't even begin.

Get this: he even asked me to teach him how to pray! He openly admits that he's not religious, but he said he'd like to feel more of a connection with God. I love that he's not threatened by religion or spirituality. He has been more than understanding and kind regarding my beliefs. I sometimes have a hard time with gay guys who hate religion so badly they twitch when the topic arises. Sure, I can appreciate their perspective, but sometimes the bitterness can be overwhelming.

For the record, I have not been pushing him to be religious, exercise faith, or start praying. I jokingly told him that he'd better pray the concert we're going to this Friday is pitch black; otherwise, we won't be touching much. (Yeah, still not comfortable with a lot of PDA, but neither is the doc.) After I said that, he said he'd like to learn how to pray. I really was impressed that he would even ask me to teach him. Anyhow, I'll let you know how that lesson goes. We haven't had it yet.

Oh yeah, so I'm going to a concert with two of my straight friends, and the doc is coming with. The two friends don't know we're gay and dating. That's why we are going to be acting very straight that night. Of course, my friends are going to find out sooner or later; nonetheless, I don't want them to find out at the concert when I introduce them to my new boyfriend. For now, they can just believe that the doc and I are only friends. If my two friends are perceptive, they probably already know I'm gay anyway.

In any case, I think both the doc and I are praying for a pitch black concert.

My First Gay Relationship (actually, my first relationship period)

We had the best day today! He picked me up at 9:45 a.m. We went to breakfast together, and then we drove to the ocean (the car ride was so nice). At the ocean, we walked along the coastline and admired the beautiful scenery. After the ocean and some hiking around, we went back to the city and ate dinner. After dinner, we watched a movie together and made out. It was just a wonderful day!

So I guess we're dating. It's nice. I'm very unfamiliar with the ins and outs of dating. Regardless, I feel like it's moving a little quickly, as I mentioned last time. I told him I wanted to slow things down, and he said he is fine with that. Of course, this discussion took place after I "lost" something -- DHing. Don't worry. I am still a virgin ... technically. It's just way too easy for me to lose it ... he hasn't lost anything to date. ha!! It's obvious I'm the virgin.

Anyhow, I told him how I felt that my virginity is something very special and that I don't want to rush into losing it with a guy I've only dated for 1.5 weeks. He said he agreed that it's a big deal, and he doesn't want me to do anything I'm uncomfortable with. He's so fricking understanding! That's half the reason why he's so endearing.

I really like this guy. I'm excited to date him. I do get nervous, though, because he makes references to "our" future together quite a bit. Don't get me wrong -- he's great! I just don't think it's good for us to be talking about the long term after only 10 days of knowing each other. :) Plus, I'm scared of commitment, and this is my first relationship. I just need to go slowly.

I must admit that I'm a little sad about things. Why? Because I realize I am taking very formal steps away from the church. Sigh. I don't want to do that. I really do love the church. More importanly, I love my family. I don't want a boyfriend to complicate all of that.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have to admit that after losing it tonight, I was thinking, "I could totally go without this." Sure, having a boyfriend would be great on many levels. But I think relationships are inherently complicated, and sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. The celibacy really seemed doable tonight.

Okay, I'm starting to ramble. Good night. It's late for me.

I love my Mormon bishop.

The guilt left after I slept on it. I woke up feeling normal. However, I did learn a lesson from my feelings of guilt -- I am going to slow things down. We'll see how he reacts to this. I really like the guy. He's great. He's a very genuine person. I like that about him. And of course he's good-looking, smart, successful, etc. That helps too.

However, he just graduated med school, and he will be doing his residency in St. Louis. He just foud out today that he didn't get "matched" with the program locally. That stinks. Now our relationship has an expiration date. He asked me if I would still hang out with him, despite the expiration date. I said yes. I don't know what else to say. I mean, yes, it sucks that he won't be around after June, but I am enjoying the time I am spending with him right now.

That brings me to my next dilemma ... if I know that nothing long-term is possible, then should I give him my virginity? I've decided, no. We'll see if I stick to it. I personally would like to tell all my family members before I lose my virginity. Why? Because I know they will all ask: "Have you done anything with a guy?" I want to be able to say, "Just make out."

That might be a stupid wish, but I think it would be harder for them if they found out I've been sleeping with guys. I'm positive that would be tougher for them to deal with. I really want the news to be as gentle as possible for them. But who knows when I'll get around to telling them (I want to do it in person, and I'm currently living out of state), so that wish might not come true.

By the way, I talked to my current bishop about my homosexuality last Sunday. It went extremely well. He is such a loving, caring man! I don't even hardly know the guy, but he really was wonderful. Of course, he wants me to live a celibate lifestyle, but his motives are based in love. He only wishes that for me because he truly believes that's what's best for me. Who knows ... celibacy may very well be the best option. I don't know.

Nonetheless, I was very honest and direct with him. I told him that I would have a hard time living a life alone, and that I will probably continue to date guys. He was as understanding as a straight bishop could be. He pointed out that I would have a very difficult time remaining active in the church while living a gay life. He's right. He said he is really happy I haven't stopped going to church, and he encouraged me to continue onward. I really loved talking to him. Like I said, I've only had positive experiences with bishops. I feel so bad for the few gay Mormons who have had negative experiences. I feel like those bishops are a small percentage of all Mormon bishops, but I could be wrong. I only say that because I've told 5 bishops/stake presidents, and I've only received kind, love-based counsel from them. Maybe I'm lucky. Maybe I'm blessed.

Either way, thank God for Mormon bishops!

I love my Mormon bishop.

The guilt left after I slept on it. I woke up feeling normal. However, I did learn a lesson from my feelings of guilt -- I am going to slow things down. We'll see how he reacts to this. I really like the guy. He's great. He's a very genuine person. I like that about him. And of course he's good-looking, smart, successful, etc. That helps too.

However, he just graduated med school, and he will be doing his residency in St. Louis. He just foud out today that he didn't get "matched" with the program locally. That stinks. Now our relationship has an expiration date. He asked me if I would still hang out with him, despite the expiration date. I said yes. I don't know what else to say. I mean, yes, it sucks that he won't be around after June, but I am enjoying the time I am spending with him right now.

That brings me to my next dilemma ... if I know that nothing long-term is possible, then should I give him my virginity? I've decided, no. We'll see if I stick to it. I personally would like to tell all my family members before I lose my virginity. Why? Because I know they will all ask: "Have you done anything with a guy?" I want to be able to say, "Just make out."

That might be a stupid wish, but I think it would be harder for them if they found out I've been sleeping with guys. I'm positive that would be tougher for them to deal with. I really want the news to be as gentle as possible for them. But who knows when I'll get around to telling them (I want to do it in person, and I'm currently living out of state), so that wish might not come true.

By the way, I talked to my current bishop about my homosexuality last Sunday. It went extremely well. He is such a loving, caring man! I don't even hardly know the guy, but he really was wonderful. Of course, he wants me to live a celibate lifestyle, but his motives are based in love. He only wishes that for me because he truly believes that's what's best for me. Who knows ... celibacy may very well be the best option. I don't know.

Nonetheless, I was very honest and direct with him. I told him that I would have a hard time living a life alone, and that I will probably continue to date guys. He was as understanding as a straight bishop could be. He pointed out that I would have a very difficult time remaining active in the church while living a gay life. He's right. He said he is really happy I haven't stopped going to church, and he encouraged me to continue onward. I really loved talking to him. Like I said, I've only had positive experiences with bishops. I feel so bad for the few gay Mormons who have had negative experiences. I feel like those bishops are a small percentage of all Mormon bishops, but I could be wrong. I only say that because I've told 5 bishops/stake presidents, and I've only received kind, love-based counsel from them. Maybe I'm lucky. Maybe I'm blessed.

Either way, thank God for Mormon bishops!

The Doctor Made Me Lose It

Well, I went on my second date with the doctor (did I mention he’s a doctor?) last night. We ended up making out. It was very nice. Nothing else happened. Then tonight, we made out again, and I lost something in my pants – it wasn’t my keys or chapstick. Needless to say, he didn’t lose anything. Only the amateur was unable to keep things in check. Grrr.

I’m still trying to process my feelings. This happened only 30 minutes ago or so. I think tomorrow I’ll have a better grasp on how I feel. To be honest, I feel a little guilty, but not a ton – perhaps because I’m rationalizing my guilt away right now. I do know that I need to slow things down ... a lot.

Though we remained fully clothed throughout our make-out session, our hands were roaming (fortunately only over levis – not under). I guess I am regretting doing that. I just feel like a third date is too quick. I feel like I gave in. If I feel this way after tonight, I don’t even want to imagine what I’m going to feel like after we actually do something. I may have to stop things altogether because I don’t know if “slowing” is even possible.

Anyhow, I’ll post something tomorrow describing how I feel 24 hours after the fact.

I think this smile on my face is permanent

I just got the following email from the guy I went out with on Saturday night. Did I mention I had a date? It went very well. We just went to dinner and then site seeing a bit. I had such a great time!

Anyhow, the following email explains why I have a permagrin across my face!

“Thanks a lot for a great evening. I had an awesome time getting to know you a little better and sharing stories with you. You are really fun to be around and you made the night go incredibly smoothly. And you are damn HOT!!”

That’s right … I’m “damn HOT.” ;) (He just hasn’t seen me with my shirt off. His opinion may very well change after he sees my sad looking body. Ha!)

“I hope you had a good time also. And please know that I was just as apprehensive about going into your place with the new roommates as you. While there is certainly nothing to be embarrassed about, it is a bit awkward for a first meeting.”

Yesterday was my first day in my new apartment, and so I didn’t have the balls to invite him in after the date. I explained that I was sorry, but I just wasn’t sure my first night in the apartment would be the best night for bringing a date home to hang out.

“I am really looking forward to seeing you again on Tuesday (I just wish it was today). I hope you are having a good day. Hopefully I will hear from you later.”

I’m looking forward to future dates with him. He’ll definitely be hearing from me.

To Anonymous ...

On my last post, a reader asked: “How much do your readers really care about you?”

My answer: I don’t know. I’d like to think they are sincere, and I’d like to think they want what’s best for me. And I believe they do want me to be happy and fulfilled – even if they may disagree with how I achieve those objectives.

Nonetheless, dear anonymous, I don’t know any of them personally. I know that my family loves me more than anyone on this earth ever will. And I’m so lucky to have the best family ever. I love and rely on my family and close friends for so many things, so you need not worry about me giving them up for my wonderful (and oftentimes anonymous) blog readers.

I personally don’t feel that family and blog readers are mutually exclusive things. I believe I can have them both and enjoy what each has to offer. I admit that I LOVE – absolutely LOVE – hearing from the few people who do comment on my blog. It’s really fun to read others’ perspectives regarding my situation. In fact, I hear perspectives from my blog that I wouldn’t get from family and friends. I think all view points are worth considering.

You said: “You make little mention to the other people in your life, their feelings, their thoughts, how you feel about them, etc.”

You’re right. I don’t mention them often. One concern is anonymity – for both me and them. The other thing is this blog is related to my homosexuality. I only talk about my loved ones when relevant. The fact is, I don’t really talk to my siblings about my sexuality – even the ones I’ve told. My two brothers haven’t really mentioned the topic since I came out to them. My father and I don’t discuss it – it’s just best that way. Even my best friend and I don’t really talk about it anymore. And the rest of the family and friends don’t know.

So, really, that’s why I don’t pull them into this blog more often. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them dearly, because I do. Honestly, if you are interested in hearing more about the people in my life, let me know. I’d be happy to bring them in every once in a while.

Nonetheless, I appreciate you, anonymous, for your comments. It’s good to be reminded that I shouldn’t rely on my blog too much. I don’t think I do – but I could be wrong.

More on sex (that should pique your interest)

Woah! First off, have you all been following other gay Mormon blogs lately? Some of them have taken a philosophical turn in recent weeks. Wow! I just finished reading a bunch of old posts on a few sites, and I have come to accept that my blog will never reach their level of philosophical sophistication. Wow!

I’ve thought a lot about all your comments on my last post. Thank you for commenting, by the way. Always a pleasure to hear from a few of you. Your thoughts really helped me define what I will do regarding sex with a guy. First, I agree that finding a guy who wants to wait for sex will be extremely tricky. I’m a minority within a minority – but aren’t we all in some way or another?

In any case, I don’t want to jump right into bed with a guy. I need to have a relatively stable and established relationship before sex can happen – i.e., he’s not screwing or dating other guys, he and I have been on more than two or three dates, and he sees potential for a long-term relationship. However, I have to honestly admit that I am pretty vulnerable right now. I can see myself “giving it up” just because I’m afraid “Mr. Amazing” is going to move on if I don’t. It bothers me that I even have thoughts like that.

Anyhow, I think I need to be careful because so many wrong motives are driving me toward a sexual relationship. For example, the fear that I am just getting older and uglier as time passes and that I need to capitalize on my youthful beauty. Ha! (I laugh because it’s such a stupid motive, but I actually have that thought run through my head occasionally.) Also, I fear that guys will not want to date someone as “inexperienced” as I, so I should practice up. Ha! (Promiscuous sex is always a good solution to one’s problems.)

Trust me: I know these fears are ridiculous and irrational. But that illustrates my point: I’m vulnerable right now and somewhat irrational. I need to take things slowly; otherwise, I’m going to come here and bitch and moan because I made some huge mistake! You don’t want me doing that now do you?

By the way, the reason I don’t want to jump into a sexual relationship is based partly in religion and partly in common fricking sense. As we all know, sex is a complicated thing. The Former Gay Spokesman of the World (a.k.a. the “Wise and Affirming” Hawaii Dave) said that in his comment on my last post. I personally believe that sex is one of the ultimate expressions of love. If, however, you do not love the person you’re screwing, then I believe it is meaningless, harmful (to one or both parties), and not a good idea. That’s why I do not want to have sex without an established, somewhat healthy relationship.

Maybe I’m asking too much. I don’t know. I admit that my philosophy on sex is rooted in religion, but I feel it’s a pretty general approach to the issue. I think mainstream America would agree with me – and because you’re gay and not part of mainstream America, you can’t disprove that! ;)

I have a very difficult time believing that 50 percent to 60 percent of Mormons have pre-marital sex. Are these data collected on just active LDS? I feel like the number must be skewed. Regardless, I am feeling pretty damn good about myself for remaining a virgin till age 24! Look at that will power! (Ha! For those who don’t know, I don’t have will power.)

Regarding being out of touch with my feelings, I disagree. Yes, I may have had an erection when I was kissing TDH, but physiological responses don’t always mesh with psychological desires. The fact: I had no desire to go further with TDH. Call it “repression,” but I’m a pretty horny dude, generally speaking, and I think I was just having a non-horny night. I’m sure I won’t always be so lucky.

Anywho, thanks for the food for thought. By the way, I’ve got another gay date planned for Saturday. Should be fun. I think I'll just go all the way with him. I need to get some experience, after all.

Of course my landlord would know I'm gay.

Housing update: I found a place to live! Yippee! Aaaannd ... they even know I’m gay. I went to this place for the first time last Sunday. I liked what I saw, but only the girl selling her lease was home. I asked if I could return when the two guy roommates were home. She said sure. I returned the next day met the housemates. They seemed very nice/chill, so the next day I emailed her and told her I wanted to buy her lease. She arranged a time for me to come by and pay a deposit and sign the documents.

The next day I went back to finalize the details, and we got to talking. Boy did we talk. We spent nearly three hours discussing everything from tennis to marriage and children. At the point when marriage came up, I mentioned that I didn’t think I’d ever have a wife and kids. She asked why not, and I told her, “I’m gay.”

Her response: “Yeah, I thought so.”

DAMN IT!!! Why is everyone able to tell? I swear I’m not that flaming. Then again, maybe I just don’t recognize all my homo traits. Oh well. In any case, she said she had already told the two guys living there that I am probably gay. They were skeptical (which made me happy to hear), but in the end they said they wouldn’t mind either way. I’m very happy to hear that.

The girl told me she has a lot of gay friends and she could "just tell." She said I’m an excellent communicator (which, again, made me happy – I’m such a sucker for flattery), and she said that I was too concerned about having good roommates to be straight. She’s probably right. It was a big deal for me – so big that I wouldn’t make a decision on the apartment until I had met the guys. Yeah, I guess that’s rather queer of me.

Second random, funny story ...

I went to church today, and I noticed this very attractive guy in the congregation. Of course, I assumed he was straight. But then after church, I was sitting on a pew by myself, and this same good-looking guy gets up from his seat in the back of the room and comes and asks if he can sit next to me. “Wow!” I’m thinking. “I am pretty hot stuff!”

We get to chatting, and he is really friendly and successful, etc. I’m really feeling good about myself – mainly that I got the hottest guy in the congregation to come talk to me. Then at the end of our conversation, the real motive comes out.

He says, “Well, it was great meeting you. I’m on the friendship committee, and we like to make all new move-ins feel at home, so let us know if we can help you out with anything.”

That’s right – this guy was only talking to me because it’s his JOB to talk to me! Ha!! That was a humbling experience. Just when you think you’re pretty hot, you meet someone from the “friendship committee.”

Switching gears one more time ...

On my last post, someone said, “Guys won't date you for very long unless you have sex. That's the way it is. It's a fantasy to believe you can be a virgin and have a relationship.”

Is that true? I recognize that I won’t be able to go years in a relationship without sex (and I don’t think I’d want that anyway), but I know I don’t want to jump in sex with only a small hope of developing a meaningful relationship with a guy. I just don’t know many good relationships that are based on sex, and I personally am looking for more than sex. If the choice is A) have sex after two or three dates with a guy or B) live a celibate lifestyle, then I choose celibacy.

In my perfect world, I’d be able to go three, four, six, even ten months in a relationship with a guy without sex. If I were straight, I’d go at least a year or two before getting married and having sex, so I don’t see why I should compromise my values just because I’m gay. (Side note: for the non-Mormons out there, Mormons don’t believe in pre-marital sex.) If it’s impossible for me to have a loving, healthy relationship before having sex, then I don’t think I’ll be having sex or relationships any time soon.

The Constant Reminder

I went to church on Sunday after a two-week hiatus. I had such a good time. I immediately noticed the good, warm feelings I feel when I’m there. Some of you are thinking, “That’s the spirit of God, GM. Listen to it.” Others are thinking, “You’re just returning to a familiar place where you feel comfortable. Don’t get too excited about it.”

Regardless the explanation for the good vibes, I know I like them. It just reminded me that I like the church and that I don’t want to abandon it. To many Mormons’ disgust, I am still open to gay relationships. I’ll probably still go on dates with guys. Heck, I may even meet some special guy and decide to try out a longer-term relationship. Like I’ve said before, please do not judge the church based on me.

I just want the best of both worlds, dang it! We’ll see if I can have both worlds. Maybe I am just trying to serve two masters – and we all know how that works out. Damn it!