Sunday, January 29, 2006

Lunch Date Digested

Last Wednesday "Tall, Dark and Handsome" (TDH) and I discussed meeting up for dinner Friday night. Then late Friday afternoon, he called and backed out because his appointments in RandomCity, Calif., went longer than expected. (He was in his car on his way home from the city when he called.)

I was a little bummed because that meant I'd be spending my night on the computer (which did happen). Oh, my sad, sad life. (But remind me to tell you a funny/sad story about my Friday Internet night.)

Anyhow, I actually thought TDH was just making excuses. Like maybe something better had come up, but he just wanted to let me down easy. Anyhow, I really wouldn't have been bothered had that been the case. I understand that friends come first, and I am just an "Internet guy." (I hate that that's a reality for me right now, but it is. Yes, I meet guys online. And yes, you can make fun of me for it because I think it's weird as well. I feel like I should be sporting a creepy moustache and a wife beater – that's what "Internet guys" are like, you know. Ha!)

Because Friday night didn't work for TDH, we rescheduled for lunch on Sunday (today) at 1:30 p.m. (which I mentioned in my previous post). He said he would call me Sunday morning to confirm and to give me directions.

By 12:40 p.m. today, he still hadn't called. I was thinking, "Oh this guy is a big jerk. He says he'll call and confirm, and then he doesn't. Typical gay guy." (Yes, it's true – I even stereotyped gay guys as being flakey.) Finally, I couldn't wait any longer, so I called his cell phone. He didn't pick up. Again, I'm thinking, "Typical guy. Plans something, and then backs out. Now I understand why women hate men so much."

Five minutes after calling him, just as I was filling out my membership card to join the ex-wives club, TDH really pulled through. He called. Come to find out, somehow he had copied down my number incorrectly (or I had given it to him incorrectly). He had actually tried calling several times, but he said the number he was calling was always busy. In fact, when I called him, he didn't recognize the number – and he had saved my name and number into his phone – and that's why he screened me.

It gets better. He had even tried emailing me to confirm! I hadn't thought to check my email. Ha! (Well, actually, I was out of town this weekend, and my friend's house didn't have Internet.)

Anyhow, I quickly repented for all my negative thoughts toward him. I then met him for lunch. The date was fantastic! I had such a great time with him. TDH is even more handsome in real life. He is also funny, witty, intelligent and successful. And he's just a regular guy. No one would think he's gay just by meeting him. It was so refreshing to be with him.

This doesn't mean that I felt like myself. I didn't. But I did feel more like myself. I felt more comfortable this time than I have the previous times I've gone out with gay guys. That's progress, right? Baby steps.

Because of my awkwardness, I didn't think he was really enjoying his time with me that much. So I was extremely surprised (and probably a little too excited) when TDH asked me if I wanted to hang out sometime this week. I think I may have come across as a little desperate when I suggested we do something this Wednesday. Yeah, there's no playing hard to get in Gay Mormon's world. I'm easy as pie.

Oh well. Desperate or not, I'm going out with TDH Wednesday evening. We're doing dinner. (I know ... it's generic.) I'm looking forward to it. I almost surprised myself when I wrote that. It's true though – I am looking forward to it. Weird.

Of course, this causes all sorts of anxiety for me. I mean, I'm actually interested in a gay guy! That's rare! Moreover, this guy may be interested in me. That's a BIG maybe, of course. Nonetheless, the possibility is there. This makes me feel like I need to impress. I get too caught up in trying to impress, and then I forget to just act normal. I think this is what straight guys feel like when they go out with amazing girls. Like I've said before, dating girls was so much easier because there was never any pressure. I was just in it for fun.

I realize that this guy is just a friend at this point. There is no point in getting all excited or worked up about my future with him. I just need to calm down and take things one step at a time.

That said, I've started to worry a lot about being physical with this guy. He's so fricking HOT! I can see myself going too far, too fast if he were to kiss me. Speaking of which, could you all please respond to my poll at the top of this page. I got to talking to a friend, and he pointed out that many gay guys are very quick to get physical. This makes me a little nervous. He believes that groping on the same night of the first kiss is normal to most gay guys. What do you guys think? Do you think it's normal to do some groping on the same night as the first kiss? I have always envisioned myself just starting out with simple kissing. I don't want to get into the groping and fooling around right away. That will have to take time.

Again, I'm being ridiculous because I doubt this guy even wants to touch me. :) I'm so quick to jump to conclusions.

I must admit, though: I feel like maybe I should jump on this opportunity (literally). I really would love for my first gay kiss to be with a good-looking guy. This guy is one of the hottest guys ever! Heck, maybe I should just give it all to him ... my first kiss ... my first love ... my virginity. Just kidding. But really, I am worried that if I don't give this guy my all, it will be a long time before I have a similar opportunity with a HOT guy. :)

I'm ridiculous. I know.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Tall, Dark and Handsome

Remember "tall, dark and handsome"? I have a lunch date with him on Sunday...

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

The Gayest Weekend Ever

Last weekend was easily the gayest weekend of my life! Holy crap! I had a great time.

I spent the weekend visiting a good friend from college. She knows I'm gay, and so naturally she planned the amazing gay weekend.

Here's a quick rundown of our gay activities (I've omitted the non-homo things):

Thursday: Arrived at their house in the evening. Discussed being gay and Mormon with my friend and her husband until 3 a.m. (I'm friends with the husband, too, but for clarity, I will refer to him as my friend's husband.)

Friday: Worked out, went to the mall. Invited two gay guys over and watched Latter Days. Then went to Charlie's (a gay cowboy bar with country dancing).

Saturday: Went to my friend's niece's birthday party. Ate out with the same two gay guys afterward. Saw Brokeback Mountain.

Sunday: Went out with three gay guys to dinner. Went to BS (a gay bar) for karaoke.

All in all, the weekend was great. I had a lot of fun hanging out with the two gay guys and my married friends. The gay guys were both extremely nice and fun to be around. I can't say that I felt completely like myself around them, but I guess I can't expect to feel completely comfortable and normal at this point. I just hate how my funniness seems to vanish in the presence of homosexuals. Weird.

(For the curious at heart, no I didn't hook up with any gay guys.)

Charlie's was likely the best part of the weekend! I left with the biggest ego ever! I was so flattered by all the looks from guys. I realize that they weren't looking at me just because I'm hot (even though I'd like to think that), but more likely because I am a man in a gay bar. They would probably check out any mammal with testicles. I know I check out a lot of guys I'm not interested in. :)

I was flattered though when the hottest guy in the room (in my opinion) and I played a little staring game. Very fun. Unfortunately, I chickened out and stopped looking in his direction. It was just too real for me. I mean, that guy could have come over and spoken with me at any point. I couldn't have let that happen. Ha!

Movie reviews: Latter Days is cheesy. Brokeback Mountain was extremely well done and moving. I personally didn't get into Latter Days at all. The acting, the writing, everything was just too lame. I understand that it probably means a lot to some gay Mormons, but all it meant to me was nap time. Brokeback Mountain, on the other hand, was great! I loved it. I thought it was easily one of the saddest movies of my life, but I loved how it portrayed the difficulties of being homosexual. I hope it wins the Oscar. By the way, I didn't think I was going to like it.

The most awkward part of the whole weekend was the birthday party for me. My friend's niece was celebrating her 3rd year of life, and my friend had told her in-laws beforehand that I am gay (because they were wondering why some random male college friend was coming to visit her). That was the first time that I had been in a room of people (many of whom were Mormon) who knew about my sexuality – people whom I hadn't told myself. They were extremely nice, and I had no reason to feel uncomfortable. Nonetheless, I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable around straight people who know about my sexuality. I guess I should just start getting used to it. It'll probably happen more often as time passes.

In any case, the weekend was a blast. I had a great time visiting with good friends. I love them both to death, and I hope they know that! Love you both!

When I got home from my trip, my sister-in-law confronted me on some of the difficult thoughts she'd been having over the past few days. She said she's certain I will distance myself from the family if I decide to live as a gay person (have boyfriends, etc.). She's probably right because both my siblings have told me that they don't want any gay boyfriends of mine coming to family functions with me. I understand that, and I plan to respect their wishes. As such, I probably wouldn't spend as much time with family. I don't know.

My sister-in-law doesn't want me to marry a woman (because of the inherent problems associated with gay/straight relationships) or be with a man (because of the religious conflicts), so she believes a life of celibacy would be the best alternative for me. She said, "You can do so much good in this world without sex." Hmm. I just don't know if I have that sort of will power. It's good to know her perspective though. I think my other brother and his wife would like to see me marry a woman.

Lastly, I apologize to anyone who was offended by the "Perspective One" link on the right-hand side of the screen. I know that article's perspective is very painful for many people. Nonetheless, it certainly is a perspective, and I don't think it's healthy to ignore it. In fact, I think it raises many relevant questions – e.g., Why should sexuality trump religious beliefs? You're all welcome to express your concerns with Dr. Byrd's viewpoints, but I don't think any of us should fear ideas. We must simply confront them if we disagree with them. I don't agree with all of the stuff that was written, but I do agree with some of it. The link is relevant for all gay Mormons, in my opinion. It also shows how many Mormons approach the issue. If nothing else, it gives people an insight into the issues facing gay Mormons.

Okay, hit me with the comments. I can feel them coming. :)

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Giving perspectives because I'm a giver

I hung out with some extremely cool folks tonight. I met the one kid online, and he invited me to go out with his boyfriend and two girlfriends. They were really fun people. The girls were especially hilarious! They were cracking me up. I want to hang out with all those guys more. I love people! Oh yeah, we went to my first gay bar. Pretty lame bar, if you ask me. No one was there (seriously). Fortunately, it's the company that makes the outing good or bad. I had a great time.

I was a little nervous before getting there, but they made me feel right at home. I got over it quickly. It was definitely the most positive gay experience I've had. And it was rather wholesome! These people are very down to earth. The two gay guys have been in long, loving relationships with men (one of them was with a guy for seven years), and they aren't into the quick hook ups and stuff. Crazy that I am finding such Mormon-esque gay friends. I wouldn't have anticipated this.

By the way, I've posted a couple links on the side under "The Gay Mormon Debate." The first link is pro-change. It was published by psychologists close to the Evergreen crowd. The second article focuses on the difficulties of gay/straight marriages. In fact, our beloved Official Gay Person, Dave, posted the second link on another blog. I found it, fortunately, and encourage every Mormon to read it. Such great analysis!

I just wanted to provide some resources for those investigating the Gay Mormon debate.

At Least I'm Fashionable

Sister-in-law to Gay Mormon: "Now I'll never be able to convince Tim (husband) to wear something colorful by saying, 'your youngest brother wears colorful things.'"

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Only Cher and Britney are able to save the gay spokesmen of the world

I was laughing out loud at Foxx's comment. The Wikipedia definition nailed it straight on the head. That's EXACTLY how I felt the other night! Ha! Even better: Dave admitted that even he occasionally experiences a certain level of discomfort when in public with his husband. Interesting. Maybe Dave isn’t the Official Gay Person I thought he was. Who knows ... he might not even own rainbow stickers or turtlenecks. I'm a little disappointed. ;)

Nonetheless, Dave, you can atone for your less-than-official-gay-person behaviors. You must simply agree to burn your Cher and Britney Spears collections. I know it's tough. I just wish there were another way.

Regarding the gym ... ha! Me? Work out more than two or three times a year?! Hahaha! That's a good one. If only lifting dead weight repetitively were fun to me. That would be the life. I've actually gone lifting three whole times this year. Each time it kicked my fricking ASS! It also depressed me because the amount of weight I was lifting should never kick anyone's ass. I think my nieces can lift more than I can. But who cares? At least now I can honestly tell people that I lift. That means I can stop going now. (It's all about the bragging rights.)

I'm on the phone right now with the guy from last week. He's having some issues with his ex-boyfriend. It seems that responding with "really?" and "uh huh" are keeping the conversation rolling, so I'm going to keep writing. This guy is very nice, but he sure has a lot of drama. It's a little much for me at this point. Did I say he was a nice guy? He really is.

Did I mention that I found my perfect match on myspace? This tall, dark and handsome guy has been messaging me, and he is honestly so perfect for me. I really want to meet him and hang out with him. Unfortunately, he lives a ways away and I don't know his level of interest yet. For now I'm just going to enjoy our conversations.

Oh yeah, did I also mention that my California brother now knows about my blog? Yes, Tim has discovered the lackluster bloggings of Gay Mormon. (To my brother: on this site you shall be known as Tim. Just an FYI.) I can't say that I'm happy about this, but that's life. I don't think he'll check it that often because he's super busy. Even if he does check it regularly, it won't be that big of a deal. He knows everything about me anyway. Okay, peace.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Can you tell me which way to the gym?

It's late and I'm tired, but I wanted to give a quick run down on the date from Friday night. It was nice. We went to an old part of town and ate dinner, and then we walked around for a bit. Our conversation was friendly, and the night was nice. Over dinner, he asked what I wanted from myspace, and I told him that I was just looking for friends and that I am too new to the gay scene to jump in too quickly. He asked if I planned to have a relationship at some point, and I answered yes, but not any time soon.

Nonetheless, he still calls. Maybe he understands that I only want friendship, but then why does he keep asking to go places with just me and him. It's fine, but I'd rather go in a group. More the merrier, right? Unless I'm interested in the guy. ;)

So, I caught myself turning into a meat head. Apparently when I am with a more effeminate guy, I turn into an uber-masculine dude. This guy isn't super femmie, but he is less than masculine. I suppose I felt like I had to compensate for his slight gayness because I noticed I was trying to sit, act, and talk very manly like throughout the night. I was cracking myself up because I'd catch myself trying to be this super stud. Ha! I'm retarded.

I also noticed that I was VERY aware of EVERYONE! I couldn't help but think, "Everyone is watching us. They know we're gay. They know were on a date. They're judging us. They hate us. They hate homosexuals. I think they're going to jump us or make rude comments. Quick, make a cat call after a girl!" It really was an uncomfortable feeling. It's stupid because I've gone out to eat with straight friends, and I've NEVER felt that way! Isn't it weird how your perception of a situation can totally change depending on just a few little variables? I recognize, however, that my discomfort has everything to do with my newness to the gay dating world. Maybe I'll get used to it. I can't make any promises, but it makes sense that it would feel more natural over time.

A couple of HOT dudes from myspace have messaged me. I nearly ripped off my shirt and rubbed my naked chest all over the computer screen because I was so excited. Unfortunately, I can't message those guys back. They are too good-looking. If I were to go out with them, they'd be able to get anything they wanted from me. "You want my virginity, wallet and shoes? In what order?"

Nonetheless, I was very flattered by the mere fact that they would message me. Good thing I put pictures of other people on my profile. That has really paid off for me. Well, I'd better go work out (that's what uber-studs do). But first, I'm going to sleep.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Because I look better in real life

Another date with the same guy. It was alright. I'm still not interested, but I'm afraid he is. Sigh.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

I'm not used to spending this much time with my computer -- and I'm a recovering porn addict.

You're probably surprised that I'm blogging so often. Don't be. I don't have friends or a social life, so the computer and I have really gotten to know each other well – if you know what I mean. (Isn't weird how ANY sentence can turn dirty if you attach "if you know what I mean" to the end of it?)

I have decided (and I had come to this conclusion before reading all the comments about it) that I shall use myspace for friend finding only. That's my main objective at this time, so why complicate my life even more. Plus, I'm holding out for my dream job, and I want God to be on my side during the interview process. God is shaking his head at me right now. I can feel it.

In any case, Jesse is right that jumping into a relationship right off the bat may be problematic. Speaking of boyfriends, NO, I don't plan to "try things out" by having promiscuous sex. Hello! I've always said that I wanted to try things out by just seeing what it's like to have positive homosexual relationships. I think sex is the last thing I need right now. Why bother with it? That's a rhetorical question. :)

My non-Mormon friend (whom I will call Pete because non-Mormon sounds so discriminatory) called me today. He was great! He said right up front that he's dating someone, and he's just looking for friends. I couldn't have been more relieved. You never know what people are expecting when they contact you online. Anyhow, he seemed like a nice guy, and we're going to see if we can hang out this weekend. We'll see if it happens.

Oh Dave. I love you. Your comments always put a smile on my face. You could easily be a spokesman for a gay pride organization. Perhaps you are! I really do appreciate your opinions on my blog. I always know where to turn if I'm looking for the official gay perspective. Ha! ;)

I don't think I mentioned this, but the other night I had a little blow up with the first brother I told (we'll call him Jeffrey). As I mentioned before, he called the brother I'm living with (we'll call him Tim) and told him I was gay before I had a chance to. This happened after he said he wouldn't tell anyone. Anyhow, I wanted him to know that I was hurt by what he did, but I wanted to do it in a light manner. So much for planning. Things got rough really quickly. Here's the rundown on our convo:

"Hey Jeffrey, I heard you outed me to Tim?" I said this laughing, because it is a little funny. Unfortunately, Jeffrey was serious about the whole situation.

"Gay Mormon, I had to. He needed to know that you have a porn problem."

"Jeffrey, why didn't you just let me tell him?" I asked. "I had planned on telling him anyway. Plus, he already had an idea that I have porn problems. I just felt a little hurt when I heard you went behind my back to tell him when I had asked you not to."

Jeffrey: "Well, I didn't know that he knew about your porn situation. I just wanted to give him a heads up."

Gay Mormon: "Well, please let me deal with my own problems. You haven't outed me to any other siblings, have you?"

"No! And is that what you're calling it? Being 'outed'?" he asks in a disgusted tone.

"I was trying to soften the situation. Would you rather I say it how it is: 'Jeffrey, why are you betraying me?'"

"Let's talk about betrayal," Jeffrey says. "Do you know how I felt when I found out you used my computer to look at porn over the holidays? I trusted you in my house, and you went and betrayed me by looking at porn at all hours of the night."

He was right here, so I said: "Jeffrey, you know I am sorry about that. I apologized. I'll apologize again. It was absolutely inappropriate, and I'm honestly very, very sorry about what I did. It definitely was a form of betrayal, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to you. However, I told you the biggest f-ing secret of my life, and you f-ing went and told Tim!!! I know I have big f-ing problems, but I simply ask that you let me deal with them!! They aren't your problems!"

At this point, Jeffrey backed down. He apologized sincerely for his mistake, and we both cooled down and ended the converation.

I've forgiven him, but I've also learned a valuable lesson: I can't talk to him about my sexuality. I love him, but he and I will approach my sexuality the same way my father and I do – we just won't talk about it.

By the way, that blow up was the first time I've ever used the F word in a conversation. I even said it two or three times! I apologize to all the parents whose children are reading this.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Dating girls was so much easier ...

Tonight I went out with a guy. I met another Mormon gay guy from, and we agreed to have dinner. Yeah, I sometimes amaze myself too. Though certain moments during the evening were a little awkward for me, the night was quite pleasant. I am not physically attracted to him – nor am I attracted to his personality. Okay, I guess I'm not attracted to him period, but he's a very nice person and I could easily be his friend. Plus, he has other friends and he's willing to share. Yay!! I'm dying for social interaction with the unwed. Bless my brother's and sis-in-law's hearts, but I need to hang out with people closer to my age.

I must say, I really hate my personality when I hang out with people who know I'm gay. For some stupid reason, I cannot be myself. I come across as a big dork – which I'm not, I swear – and it drives me nuts. It's really a vicious cycle because I start thinking, "Okay, you're being unnatural. Stop being unnatural." But the more I think about it, the less natural I act. I wish I could just relax. That's why people drink alcohol! Someone pass me the booze.

Fortunately, the kid I went to dinner with was very talkative, so I didn't have to say much. I just nodded and pumped out the animated facial expressions all night long. It really was a stunning performance.

So, do I technically call this my first date with a guy? Oh wow. I’m cringing right now. Calling it a "date" really sounds weird. Yeah, there are definitely parts of gay dating that will take a while to get used to – like calling it gay dating. Who knows … I may never get used to it. I'm not too worried about that yet. I honestly just want friends right now anyway.

Oh yeah, the really cool part is that this guy heads a group of homosexual Mormons in the area, so he's a great resource for meeting other gay Mormons. I'm sure we'll hang out again.

But fear not, I am not limiting myself to only gay Mormons. I actually made a friend with another guy off myspace who is not Mormon, and we'll probably go out sometime. This is so weird for me, but kind of funny. I had to bite my lip a few times tonight because I just wanted to start laughing at the whole situation of me going out with other gay guys. Ha! It's pretty dang funny.

Monday, January 09, 2006

If only I had known that coming out was going to be so easy!

My brother already knew about my sexuality. They all seem to "already know." This one actually claims that he KNEW, not just speculated, that I was gay. I guess God had been telling him for a while now that I'm gay.

The brother I told tonight has been one of my closest brothers throughout my life. We're very similar in our thought processes – though I could never claim to have his level of intellect. He is really a brilliant person, a very deep thinker. Anyhow, as one of my closest siblings, he wields a lot of influence over me. I came away from our conversation reconsidering a lot of things that I've been ignoring over the past little while. By "things," I mean my religious beliefs. It's so easy to forget the things you believe, and why you believed them in the first place.

This brother and I have a great relationship. We can discuss things openly and honestly without judgment. And when we do get into discussions, we always approach our arguments very passionately, but calmly. I sometimes struggle in our conversations because he, like me, is never wrong. Even more challenging: he refuses to separate religious beliefs from his arguments. He believes in absolute truth and righteousness. This doesn't mean he isn't sympathetic or understanding of my situation; he simply believes in right and wrong, and he does not deviate on that. The man is a rock in his faith. If I had the same faith, I would not have any questions about the path I should follow.

Our 3.5-hour discussion tonight gave me a lot to think about. Happiness mainly. That's really what's at issue here. I simply want to be happy. What will bring me the most happiness? I don't know. That's why I've wanted to try things out with a guy. I want to see how it feels. I want to see if that would make me happy. I'll be honest: I know a lot of unhappy gay people, so I'm not too convinced that "accepting myself" and living a gay lifestyle is the answer. Nonetheless, I'm open to the idea. Of course, my family is terrified that by "trying things out" I will be stepping past the point of no return. Maybe they are right. It's too hard to tell at this point.

I was sad to learn that my other brother -- the one I told three weeks ago -- had actually called and told this brother about two weeks ago. It's not the biggest deal because most people in the family already know or suspect it. Still there's a part of me that is extremely bugged because I had asked him not to mention it to anyone. He was simply struggling to deal with the fact that I'm gay, and he needed someone to talk to. I can understand his internal struggle, but couldn't he have waited three weeks! Honestly! I simply don't need him outting me to the entire family. I want to be the one to do that. He's stealing my thunder! I guess that's the risk I take by coming out to different siblings at different times. Maybe I should do a conference call and tell the whole family at once.

One final funny note ... my brother thinks I might become more effeminate and gay acting if I start to identify as "gay." I tried to explain that I don't look good in tight leather, that I hate rainbows, and that people with lisps and other speech impediments bug me. He just didn't understand. Apparently I'm going to be wearing those butt-less leather chaps very soon. You know the ones I'm talking about. I think it's a requirement for gay porn stars to own a pair before they can join the Porn Actors' Guild. Before long, I'll probably be a porn star too. It's just a matter of time.

Now you have something to look forward to: the release of "Gay Mormon's Hot and Horny Struggles." That's a blockbuster hit waiting to happen.

Friday, January 06, 2006

One More Bites The Dust

I told another sister-in-law today. Four of twelve family members now know. Eight more to go...

To: Hawaii Dave

I just emailed Aaron about Affirmation tonight. I think your suggestion is great. So don't get feisty and don't think that I'm ignoring your comments. :) I read every comment that is made on this blog, and I love every one of them (even if they are angry ones).

I figure it won't hurt to check out Affirmation. I'll report back.

Two posts in one night ... I guess miracles do happen ...

Also, check out the new poll. Pretend that one of them says, "meet people through affirmation."

Scarred for LIFE!!!

Okay, I really need to get something off my chest. So I had THE MOST DISTURBING dream of my life two nights ago!! Holy SHIT! (Yes, it even warrants a swear word from these Peter Priesthood lips of mine.) You may puke at the thought of this -- and I wouldn't blame you if you did. I just want to give you fair warning.

I have NO IDEA why my mind is so FRICKING (love the Mormon swear words) MESSED UP! So get this: I had a dream in which my parents were having sex in front of me. (Can you hear it? The sound of me puking/dry heaving?) To this day, I literally get queezy just thinking about that dream. I think I may need some psychological expertise to help me cope with this trauma! It was awful. Just plain HORRIBLE! The worst part: I can't seem to rid myself of the memory. It just pops into my mind from time to time. I feel like I can finally understand what veterans go through with their flashbacks. I just start twitching and convulsing whenever I have an "episode." It's not pretty. Honestly, I will never be the same person after that dream. Okay, the dream does get a little worse. My dad was wearing leather. Yeah, my porn habits have come back to BITE ME IN THE ASS! DAMN IT!! If this is God's way of getting revenge for my porn viewing days, then I assure you he got it! UNCLE! UNCLE! I give! Just make this memory go away!

Thanks for listening to my horrible story. I must admit that I wasn't going to share this on my blog, but I decided to because I think the world should know exactly how effed up I am! Hopefully people don't stop reading my blog because of this disturbing story. I wouldn't blame you if decided to never visit this blog again. I told a friend in an email that exact same story, and I haven't heard from him since. Yeah, he's probably done with me forever. Run far and fast from this corrupted mind of Gay Mormon!! My mind needs a good thorough washing after that dream. Any brainwashers out there? I'm hiring.

But if you are a dream interpreter, please keep your comments to yourself! I don't need to know what this means. I've already read a few things from, and, to be quite frank, I was disturbed by the possible interpretations. Please don't share the disgusting meanings of this dream with me. Ignorance is bliss. Actually, my life is a living hell whenever those images flashback. But that's why I definitely DON'T need to know why I dream about horrible, horrible things.

Last thought, then I'm out. How do gay people meet people these days? (More importantly, how do gay Mormon people meet other gay people?) I just moved to a new city. I have no friends. I don't work with anyone whom I'd like to be friends with. What does one do? I said I'd try meeting people through church, but is there another way? Please, clue me in! I've thought about using the Internet to meet people, but that makes me a little nervous. I actually have two "hang out" offers from Internet peoples, but I'm hesitant.

That's it. That's all I've got for now. Sorry for the disturbing parts of this blog entry.

Monday, January 02, 2006

California Life

I think it's hilarious that I keep moving to gay hot spots across the nation. First, I did an internship in New York. Then I moved to D.C. for an internship. Now I'm living in California, just outside the Bay Area. Ha!

I moved here with my brother and his family. They have been wonderful! I love them to death. I haven't come out to them yet, but it's really only a matter of time. Admittedly, I am a little sad about my move to CA because I don't have any friends out here, but I think I'll like it a lot once I get to know people. However, I can tell already that I won't be able to live with my brother and his family for more than a few months. I love them to death, but I'm a little too old and independent to live with them for long.

Anyhow, since being out here I've noticed that he has installed Covenant Eyes (the same software that I used for my porn issues) on every computer he has access to – work, home, etc. I'm actually happy that he has the software because I hate my porn habits. I went for four months without it, but then I stayed at my brother's house in SLC, and I totally got wrapped back up in it. Covenant Eyes is my porn savior! I swear by the stuff. It's the best thing ever for keeping me honest on the net.

I never told him I had porn issues, but he was one of my "accountability partners" on Covenant Eyes a few years back. Every week he would see reports of my Internet activity. This was during the time of my shared residency with my gay roommate in Provo. That sucker almost outed me! My brother saw gay Web sites popping up on the reports, and I had to explain that it was my roommate, not me. It really was my roommate. How funny is that? I was almost outted by my gay roommie. I wonder if my brother believed me. After all, he's the one with the wife who totally thinks I'm gay. I bet she was saying to him: "See, I told you Gay Mormon is gay."

Last comment on the "gay" word debate. I really wasn't offended or upset by the things Particular Mormon said. I just noticed that the discussion item had come up a few times in December, so I decided to clarify my usage of the word "gay." It sounds like we're all on the same page now. Yes, I'm gay. No, I don't know if I am going to live as one.

So, I've determined that the church is a lot like crack! I'm totally addicted to it. Remember how I said I'd probably take a break from the church once I graduated BYU? Well, I don't know if I can get off this crazy drug called "church." Beyond the spiritual elements that I enjoy, I didn't realize how much of my social life revolves around it. Honestly, how does a person make friends without it? I'm sure it can happen, but I'm just here to tell you that being Mormon really simplifies the friend-making process. Think about it: every week, you meet with one to two hundred other single people who are in their twenties. Not only do they attend church together, but they also plan regular activities together. It's great in so many ways. I understand that not all of them are "friend material," but you can always find a few who are tons of fun to hang out with. Just because I say that, I won't find any.

This thought process all began the other day when I started thinking about how I am going to make friends here in suburbia. Everyone around these parts has a wife and kids! It dawned on me that my one and only hope is to make friends with the other single adult church goers. By the way, I'm really not sad about making friends with Mormons. I love cool Mormons. The lame Mormons aren't all that great, but the fun ones are worth their weight in gold. For the non-Mormons out there, please don’t judge us by the lame Mormons you know. There are a lot of cool ones out there, I promise. I'm one of them, damn it! At least I think I am. Honestly, if you were to meet me and my friends, you'd want to hang out with us. We're that fun! Hahaha.

I am planning to attend the singles branch (congregation) in San Francisco one of these weeks. I think it will be interesting. I wonder if any other gay Mormons attend. I wonder if openly gay Mormons attend. Hmmm. You'd think at least some of them would be gay considering it's San Fran. However, most of the openly gay Mormons I know are very anti-church. Too bad. I think they're throwing the baby out with the bathwater. But I don't blame them. I understand all too well the difficulties of being gay and Mormon.

That last paragraph ought to put me at the top of searches for "gay Mormon." Ha! It wasn't intentional, I swear. "Gay Mormon" just happened to be in every other sentence.

So I sinned this past week. But I don’t feel bad about this one at all. I gambled. *Gasp* I'm a horrible person, but I did win nearly $100! It was so much fun! (I can see how Vegas is going to become a yearly tradition for me.) However, the good Lord did punish me. I had to spend all my winnings repairing a flat tire. I had a blow out on the freeway on my way to CA. That sucked. God always has the last laugh.

Final note. Have any of you heard of I just found out about it. This chick is funny! She's a stay at home, ex-Mormon mom who blogs regularly. I just thought I'd share my find. I've only read a few of her posts, but they are pretty dang funny. Enjoy!