Someone congratulate me! I finally grew some balls and told one of my brothers and his wife. *Huge sigh of relief!* I don’t know why, but telling people about my struggles is so therapeutic! (Okay, I admit that's a stupid statement -- but it really does amaze me.) I feel as if a load of bricks has been lifted from my shoulders. I don’t really understand why, either. Nothing has changed. I’m still gay. I’m still undecided on how to live my life. I still have porn problems. Regardless, I feel much better.
Things really couldn’t have gone better. This is how it went down …
I had been staying at my brother’s house for a week or so. Over the course of my stay, they has asked me about marriage a few times. I just brushed it off. Finally, on Friday night of last week, Dec. 23, they really pinned me down. They started asking why I was so opposed to marriage, why I didn’t date girls, and why I avoided their questions. I just continued to deflect their questions for about 20 minutes. The entire time, I was thinking, “I want to tell them, but I don’t dare.” Finally, I told myself that if my sister-in-law asked me one more time why I didn’t date girls, I would tell her. Well, she asked.
I said, “Do you guys really want to know why I’m not into dating girls?” They, of course, responded in the affirmative. Then I got emotional. I was surprised. The tears started gushing, and in a broken voice I said, “I struggle with homosexual tendencies. I’m gay.” The tears wouldn’t stop coming. Both of them got up and sandwiched me in a big hug. I couldn’t believe how calm they both were! My sister-in-law did shed a few tears with me, but both of them were extremely composed. I regained my composure after about a minute or two of crying.
We then began a discussion about my situation. It was great. They said from the beginning: “You know you can talk to us about these things. Why didn’t you come to us earlier?” They were more than understanding and supportive. I could not have asked for a better reaction! Honestly.
Naturally, my brother suggested that I try to continue living as a heterosexual. I expected this, and he really offered the suggestion in love. I explained that I didn’t know exactly how I was going to live my life. I warned him I may make some decisions that are highly unpopular with the family. Remarkably, they seemed to understand. Well, my brother didn’t say anything after I said that. My sister-in-law said she could understand why I might make that choice.
I can’t get over how positive the whole experience was!
They believe I can tell my other siblings without fearing banishment. I’ve always felt that deep down, but it’s so nice to get verbal confirmation from a third party. Get this: my sister-in-law said she believes that even my mother would be able to cope with it – even though it wouldn’t be easy. I’m considering telling her.
My sister-in-law also confirmed that the family was starting to wonder. As I mentioned in a previous blog, my sister has already confronted me about it. I even lied to her, telling her no I’m not gay – that’s something I intend to fix soon. My other sister-in-law has suspected that I am gay for years now. I plan to come out to her and my brother this weekend. In fact, I have committed to come out to all my siblings within the next year. I won’t be able to come out to them all right away, but in a year’s time it will happen. The main problem is that I want to tell them in person – not over the phone. It’s going to take time before I have a chance to get each sibling (along with spouse) alone in person.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the obscure blessing in my timing! I was very fortunate to have told my brother and his wife when I did. Two days after leaving their home, my brother called me and told me he had found some gay porn on his computer. Yes, unfortunately, I had been into it on his computer. Anyhow, I am so glad that I had told him about my sexuality beforehand! It would have been awful for him to find out about me that way.
He was less understanding about the porn on his computer. He said that he doesn’t care what kind of porn I’m viewing – he wants to help me quit it quickly. I’ll be honest: I’m not too excited about his offer to help. But he was pretty insistent, so I don’t have much choice. I guess I’m bugged because I feel like I am making progress, yet he acted like he was the first to know about my problem with it. Ah, I’ll get over it. I’m sure he’ll be good about it. He usually is.
So I’ve been thinking about why I was emotional when I came out to my brother and his wife. I wasn’t emotional coming out to my other two friends. My reaction just didn’t make sense to me. But then I realized that I also cried when I told my father. (I don’t remember crying when talking to anyone else about it.) I decided that I honestly believe that my family will be disappointed or disgusted with me, or reject me. I hate letting people down, and that’s what I feel like I’m doing when I tell family. There simply is so much emotion behind these homosexual issues.
It’s been a long time since I’ve felt peace like this. It’s so relieving to talk about these issues. Yet, each time it’s extremely difficult to do. I suppose the best things in life don’t come easily, so I’ll deal with the difficulty.
Happy holidays!!!
