Spiritual Conflict

Here’s a weird coincidence: one of my readers posts under the name of “D-Train,” and a very good-looking friend of mine also goes by “D-Train.” I almost defecated (what a funny word) in my pants when I first saw the author’s name. However, I doubt the D-Train who posted on my blog is the same person as my friend because the “D-Train” I know doesn’t have the best writing skills – bless his heart. (The D-Train who commented here, on the other hand, has excellent writing skills.)

Okay, down to business ... I just wanted to share a frustrating experience. To begin, I had a pretty frustrating day today. Things just wouldn’t go my way – at work, at home, – I’m sure you understand. So tonight, despite my crappy mood, I decided to go to institute (Mormon bible study class for young single adults). That just made things worse. Okay, actually it made things better. But that’s the problem. I was just starting to feel comfortable about distancing myself from the church, but then I go and have a spiritual experience that reaffirms my belief in it. It happens all the time. It’s a bit frustrating. I wish I could just get up and walk away from the church without any emotion attached to the situation. :) Only in the perfect world ...

I just sat in institute hating the fact that I was feeling the spirit – that’s weird. I was actually happy that my bad day ended on a good note and that I was feeling the happy and warm inside. Nonetheless, it just makes the looming decision ahead of me much harder to decide.

Okay, that was my moment for the day.

Out To One

I came out to a friend this Thursday. I hadn’t even planned on coming out to her, but it just happened. First, you have to know that she and I go way back. We became best friends during our freshman year of college (okay, so we only go back six years – seems like a long time to me). It’s kind of funny because she was the HOT girl in the ward, and everyone wanted to date her, but I just wanted to be her BF. Ha! But I didn’t want to be her best friend just because she is beautiful. In fact, the most amazing thing about her is she’s more beautiful on the inside than she is on the outside. (I’m not just saying that because she is reading this – ha!) We really had great times during our freshman year.

Anyhow, we’ve remained close friends since 1999, but I’ve never told her I’m gay. To be honest, I had a feeling that she knew about my sexuality. First, she is a therapist, and she works with a lot of gay men. Second, she’s married – to an amazing guy – and has had a child, yet we still call each other to say hello. Obviously, she can have heterosexual friends as a married person, but I don’t have any other married female friends who stay in touch with me. Third, she never asks me about my relationships with girls – a very kind gesture, indeed.

The other night we were talking, and she told me how she and her husband have decided to distance themselves from the church – i.e., stop going. She then shared some of their reasons for deciding to stop going to church. Because she had just shared a very personal detail from her life, it just felt natural for me to tell her about my situation. I said, “Can I drop a bombshell on you? I’m gay.” She said, in a very nonchalant sort of way, “I know.” It was actually pretty funny/refreshing.

She is the first close friend I’ve told about my sexuality. Though I was nervous when I first told her, I have felt completely at ease talking to her about it. She understands completely, and she isn’t bothered by it at all. In fact, I just learned tonight that she and her husband had talked about how I was probably gay. Ha! I guess I don’t keep secrets too well – that, or she knows me way too well.

If all my friends reacted like this friend of mine did, I’d come out in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, not all friends are like my good friend from freshman year. She has been trained to deal with sensitive, personal information. She deals with this type of information daily. If I had suspected she might treat me differently because I’m gay, I wouldn’t have told her. I’m so glad she’s a true friend.

The best part is that she just wants me to be happy. I told her I haven’t made a decision regarding my future – whether to live as a good Mormon or live as a homosexual. Though she personally doesn’t agree with the church’s stance toward homosexuality, she doesn’t care which path I choose – so long as I’m happy. I love her to death. If only everyone was like my good friend. :)

Drawing A Blank

As I sat down to write, I realized something unusual: I really don’t have much to write! At first I thought something might be wrong with me, but then I realized that I don’t have much to write about because I haven’t been thinking about my homosexuality lately. I’ve been so busy with work, friends, and play. I work my brains out, and I love it. Also, I don’t have Internet access, so I’ve been using filtered, public computers – not the most conducive to porn, emailing or blogging. It’s been absolutely FANTASTIC!! Life is definitely very good right now.

Yes, I do still struggle, but don’t we all? I sometimes start feeling lonely and sorry for myself, but then I remember that EVERYONE feels lonely sometimes. Everyone struggles. I’m not so special – even though my ego tells me otherwise. Ha! I was sitting behind a handicapped person in church the other day, and I couldn’t help but think that the likelihood of that person getting married is slim to none. Though he is perfectly sound minded, his body is crippled and it’s unlikely he will ever marry … all because of circumstances which are beyond his control. He and I have a lot in common.

I actually have things much better than he. If I wanted to date a guy, I could. Even though he probably wants to date a girl, it’s just unlikely that it will ever happen.

Anyhow, I don’t mean to imply that I’m doomed to a life of loneliness, but I am saying I will survive if I don’t ever fall in love and spend my life with someone. Not the ideal way to live life, but definitely a good way to live life. :)

M.I.A. No More

Washington, D.C., is WONDERFUL! Things have been going so well for me! I can’t tell you how fun it has been! Okay, enough with the exclamation points.

I’m finally settled into my new home, and now I can stop being so transient. Last month I moved two different times. It stunk. But now I have Internet access and life is good. Admittedly, there was a good aspect to being Internetless – no porn. I haven’t looked at the stuff for three weeks now. Very exciting! Though it may be a result of my upbringing, I’ve found that not looking at the stuff makes me feel much better inside. If only I could figure out how to make it last. Maybe I should just continue living as a transient. Hmmmm ...

Thank you all for commenting on my blog. I wish I had time to respond to each comment. At this point, I don’t have that kind of time, but I have read all of them.

I appreciate all your well wishes regarding my recent graduation and move to D.C. Things are good here.

Regarding my poll … I agree that “getting people off my back” is probably not reason enough to come out. Though I’d love to stop “hiding” this from people, it’s probably best I be selective when choosing people to tell. So far, I haven’t done anything. I think I might tell one of my best friends, but the moment will have to be right. I don’t want to just bring it up randomly. “So, have I ever mentioned that I’m gay?” That would go over like a pregnant high jumper.

As one commenter already noted, I still have at least a year before I’m a menace to society (see Brigham Young quotes). No need to worry about things yet. By the way, Kevin, you said to shoot you an email, but I don’t have your email address. Everyone already knows mine, so feel free to email me directly: gay.mormon@yahoo.com.

Darcy, I wish I were more confident in my gaydar. Unfortunately, I think I am quick to find “gay traits” in guys, even though they aren’t homosexual at all.

Patmos, there’s no need to drop off the radar (I feel a bit hypocritical saying that considering the past two months). I always really enjoyed your comments, so please continue to comment, if you still read this ever.

I tend to agree with George that questioning one’s beliefs can be a very healthy exercise. After all, sometimes the status quo is wrong. Not always, but sometimes.

Robert said he was happy I identify myself as “gay.” Though I openly admit to being gay, I must also openly confess that I have not embraced the gay culture. Some contend that being “gay” involves a cultural shift – which I have not experienced. I personally think “same-sex attraction” is a euphemism. When it comes down to it, both gay guys and same-sex attracted guys like men.

I have to say that I’m jealous of Fellow!! I'd love to live a life where I don't feel like I am hiding anything. I'd love for people to know that I struggle with homosexuality. Yet, I'd love to still have the option of living as a heterosexual, even though people know I'm gay. I didn't think such a life was possible, but it seems as though Fellow is living that life.

More comments please…