Happy Father's Day!

Why do I always decide to blog at 2 a.m.? Damn myself.

I just finished up a really great weekend! I couldn’t be more pleased. I did a lot of dancing. I had a friend visit from out of town. I hung out with some cool new gay Mormon fellas -- three to be exact. It really was a good weekend all together.

Saturday night the gay Mormons and I went out for dinner. (By the way, they are all good-looking guys, but the one is especially attractive to me. Don’t worry: he’s not interested in me.) I have known the one guy for many months via IM. The other one I had met online, and he brought his gay Mormon friend along (that makes four of us). In any case, it was really nice. I really enjoy gay Mormons a lot.

I love all people, but I think it’s hard for gay people to understand me like other gay Mormons understand me. Does that make sense? It might just be my perception. Anyhow, two of the gay Mormons ended up coming to church with me today! Ha! The three of us sat on a row together, and I couldn’t help but laugh inside. I never thought I’d see the day when I would be sitting next to two gay Mormon dudes in sacrament meeting.

The gay church day got even BETTER when the high councilman delivered his inspired message on gay marriage! What are the odds of that happening on the one day I bring two gay friends to church with me? The speaker’s main topic was actually the sanctity of marriage or something, but of course he began by talking about gay marriage. It was very funny. I was chuckling to myself the whole time.

Horray for my new-found gay Mormon friends...

As for the rest of the day, I had dinner at my brother’s house. That was nice. And then I called my father for Father’s Day. Sigh. That brings up a whole other issue...

I've realized some things in recent months. This is a sad admission, but I've realized that I don’t really feel any warm, loving feelings for my father. I say I “love” him, but I don’t know that I do. I certainly RESPECT him. He’s a very strong person. He’s sacrificed so much for me and my family. I recognize that he has done an incredible job raising his family ... but I don’t feel emotionally attached to him.

I feel guilty even admitting all this. I mean, he has given me so much. I have never wanted for anything. And, please, don’t get me wrong: I appreciate and am so thankful for everything he has given me!! I just wish that we had a strong father-son bond. We don’t. We have a very cordial relationship. We speak on the phone, and we can talk about bland subjects like the weather, the status of my job, my latest car issues, etc., but it’s emotionless speech. We just go through the motions.

I used to want to improve it, but now I don’t even care. I consider it a lost cause. We’re different people (though we do share many common traits). We’ve just missed that window of opportunity for building a loving relationship. Now we must settle for our “pleasant” relationship. We get along fine, so I probably shouldn’t ask for more.

Heck, I don’t know many guys who have really loving relationships with their fathers anyway. Maybe that’s just the way life is between most fathers and sons. My expectations or perceptions of father-son relationships are probably too high.

My father is great. As the provider for my family, he has always performed like a champ! I really have never gone without. I feel very fortunate about that. More importantly, he has always been a great role model of integrity, strength, courage, and level-headedness. I am lucky to have the father I have. I really am. God bless him. I just wish I felt the same way I think... Does that make sense?

Honestly, though, that’s the story of my life: I feel one way; I think another.

If you're anti-gay, you're probably gay

So I had coffee with a gay guy last night! This was the first gay date I've had since the doc ... it's been a few months.

Ironically, the guy is Mormon. Ha! He was very pleasant and nice. I would love to get to know him better. However, I don't really want to get into a relationship quickly like I did last time.

I just can't get over the fact that I met another gay Mormon randomly. I was "browsing" for other gay men on myspace in my area, and he popped up. Then I looked at his hometown – UTAH! Gotta love it. I knew the odds were high that he was Mormon – he is.

I'm telling you: I think the gay ratio among Mormons is significantly higher than the general population's gay ratio. I could be wrong. I just think Mormons are way closeted about it.

In fact, I would bet my life that two of my good Mormon guy friends are gay ... but they are super anti-gay. It's weird. Actually, it's not ...

I picked up this really liberal-looking book the other day at Costco. I can't remember the title (something about how conservatism is ruining the nation). I'm always sucked into books that bash conservatives because conservatives like myself make for good jokes so often!

Anyhow, one of the chapters was on gays in America and how the ultra-conservatives are irrational about the whole topic. Anyhow, the book highlighted a study performed by the University of Georgia in 1996 (I made sure to remember all these details because I found it so fascinating). In the study, they took a random group of homophobic/anti-gay men and a random group of indifferent/accepting men. The men in both groups were self-proclaimed "straight" men.

The researchers hooked these men's penises up to the boner-detector thing that measures a man's sexual arousal. They then subjected the men to three types of porn: lesbian, straight, and gay. They found that the homophobic group of men was MORE THAN TWICE as likely to be aroused by gay porn as the non-homophobic group!!! HAHA!

Moreover, the researchers found that only 20 percent of the homophobic men showed "little to no arousal" to the gay porn!!! Those closeted, self-haters need to get a grip!

The point: if you're anti-gay, you're probably gay. The chapter in that book was classic. It literally had me laughing out loud in Costco on several occasions. If I could remember the name of the book or the author, I’d mention it. Too bad. Whatever ... I'm sure this stuff is all on the Internet for the curious at heart.

By the way, I realize that the study may have been flawed. But for me, the study is hilarous and true!

Michael Soldier

I’m a sketchy person. It’s official. My recent behaviors have proven this to myself. I’ve been reluctant to blog about my sketchiness because it’s a little embarrassing, but I’ve blogged about a lot of embarrassing things, so I decided I shouldn’t let the embarrassment factor hold me back. Plus, my sketchiness provides for a pretty damn funny story, so I can’t hold back.

So, I occasionally – okay, often or frequently might be more accurate – go to Craigslist.org to browse the “Men Seeking Men” area of the site. This little game started as a just a game. In fact, I was introduced to it as such. A friend (the doc, actually) showed me the site, and we would laugh at all the really sketchy ads.

For those of you who don’t know this already, Craigslist’s personals are not about relationships. They are about quick hookups. That’s it. As such, people say the most ridiculous/inappropriate/funny things on their ads.

Anyhow, I would go and look through the ads and laugh at them. Then I got to the point where I’d find the rare good-looking guy. Of course, I’d be very tempted to email. Eventually, I caved to the temptation and did email one or two of the guys, knowing the entire time that I wouldn’t likely enjoy a quick hookup. Why? Because I know I am just trying to fulfill deeper needs through sketchy sexual encounters.

Well, one of the guys emailed me back. It was short: “What are you doing tonight?” Or something to that effect. I couldn’t meet up with him that night. Though a little disappointed, I was relieved because I’ve never done a random hookup. Hell, I’ve never hooked up period.

The next night it was the same story – short email asking what I was doing that night. I emailed him back a few times, trying to figure out his expectations of the encounter. I wasn’t prepared to lose my virginity to a random guy, so if he wanted sex, he could count me out. I found out he just wanted to exchange massages and jo together (or at least that’s what he said). This is so sketchy. I know. I told you I’m sketchy.

In any case, I told him I’d be in the city very late (though in actuality I had no plans to go in). That night, I left some friends’ house at 1:30 a.m. I drove immediately into the city (a 30-minute drive), leaving my phone open with his number on the screen.

When I got to the city, I drove to the gay district. I parked my car and sat. I had to think things through. What was I doing? Was I really going to get a massage with some random guy from Craigslist?

While sitting in my car, a guy walking down the sidewalk made eye contact with me. He stopped outside my car, bent down, and looked in the window. I made eye contact again, but then I just looked away. He was alright looking, but I was NOT going to pick up some manwhore from the street. I’ll meet some random person off the Internet for a quickie, but I will not let random dudes off the street get into my car. I have standards, damn it. (Rolling my eyes)

The guy just stood outside my door for five minutes. It was an awkward five minutes, characterized by me looking out the opposite window and pretending to talk on the phone. He wouldn’t leave. I actually had to drive down the street a few blocks and park again in order to think in peace.

I sat in my new parking space for twenty minutes thinking. Contemplating. Finally my logic kicked in. I concluded that my whole intention of going to the city for a hookup was wrong on many, many levels – consider the health risks, the safety risks, and the emotional risks to name a few of the wrong aspects. More importantly, I re-realized that I want more than a hook up (something I've known all along).

I threw my car into drive and went home. I didn’t call Mr. Massage.

I’ve said it many times on this Website, but I'll say it again: I want a meaningful relationship with a guy. By meeting random guys, I am just trying to fulfill unmet needs through less-than-healthy means. And, by golly, if I do decide to hook up with someone, it’s going to be after I get to know the person a bit. I just can’t do it in the typical Craigslist’s way.

I drove home with a very real sense of satisfaction – perhaps greater satisfaction than I would have experienced had I gone through with my intentions.

Well, you think the story ends here ... nope. It gets better.

So I came home, and the next night I was explaining to DCTwistedLife via IM my experience from the night before. He asked to see the guy’s ad, which I shared with him gladly. Suddenly, DCTwisted announced excitedly that this guy has a Web site ... a not-so-kid-oriented Web site, if you know what I mean. What? How did he find this site?

DCTwisted did what I SHOULD have done from the very beginning: he googled the guy’s name. I had figured the guy was using a fake name, so I hadn't bothered. Anyhow, funny enough, when you google the guy’s name, up pops a porn site with his name on it. We just thought it must be a funny coincidence. This guy must have chosen a porn star’s name to use on Craigslist ads.

Then DCTwisted started SHOUTING (writing in CAPS):

“THE EMAIL ADDRESS IS THE SAME!!!!”

This is just too classic to be real. Hahaha! Indeed, the email address the guy had used with me was the SAME as the email address on the porn site!!! Come to find out, this guy I nearly got a massage from is a porn star of sorts! What are the odds!?

It’s funny because he even advertises massage services on his site. He must really like giving/receiving them. (And I could have gotten one for free! Dang! Business must be tough right now.)

Anyhow, I was a little flattered that a porn star hit me up for a massage night. But I wasn’t flattered that he has probably been with an innumerable amount of men. That might be an unfair assumption. I might just be stereotyping – I'm sure there are virgin porn stars out there. To his credit, he had even told me in an email that he wasn’t interested in sex ... just massage and jo.

For the curious, the guy’s site is www.michaelsoldier.com. BE WARNED: HIS SITE IS PORNOGRAPHIC!!!! (Now you see why I didn't take his name seriously ... Michael Soldier!)

I laugh at this experience, but I learned a very valuable lesson: I am a sketchy person and I need to be careful.