Struggling Wife of a Gay Mormon

A woman posted the following comment to my blog last week. She wrote it in response to my “Gay Mormon + Heterosexual Woman ... Can it work?” post. I thought it was too good to let go unnoticed.

After you read it, I’d like to discuss it ...

“I have been married for 12 years this month, and my husband and best friend just told me a month ago that he is gay. It has devastated my world and I am so confused. At first I was in denial and then angry at him. I love him with all my heart. We have three beautiful children. He says he will not leave me and he loves me. I am so scared that he will not want to continue being married to me and he will turn to the homosexual lifestyle. He says that he does not want to live that lifestyle. I am so scared that I will not be loved and desired like I want to be. I know that sounds selfish. I pray constantly that God will give me peace. I am so anxious now when my husband goes to the gym and out with his buddies. I am having trouble trusting him. I want to so much and I want everything to be okay. We communicate great and have a wonderful friendship. I know that we have a better marriage than other couples I know. I know our marriage is deeper and is based on real love. I just wish that God will grant my husband with the desire for me like I have for him. I cry daily and I think I am depressed. I do not talk to anyone about this.”

My heart breaks reading this post!!! I want to reach out and hug this woman. I hope she returns to my blog someday. In case she does come back sometime, I’d like to say the following:

I honestly believe your husband loves you. Though he may be attracted to men, he obviously cares about you and your children and has no intention of leaving you. Besides hiding this from you, has he ever done anything to make you think you can’t trust him? If not, I’d say you need to learn to trust him once again.

Just out of curiosity ... What led to his telling you about his homosexuality? How did you react? Would you have still married him had you known this before you were wed? How has this information affected your current relationship?

I wish this woman the best. I would love to hear what she would have me do, considering I am a gay Mormon guy like her husband. Actually, she didn’t mention if she’s Mormon or not. I just assumed she was. Anyhow, I’d love to hear her advice to me. Hers is a rarely seen perspective on my blog.

Sleepless in Provo

I tried to go to bed at like 11 p.m. tonight, and after an hour of sleep, I woke up feeling completely alert again. Randy, I feel your pain. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I can tell already. By nature, I am a night owl, but I can usually sleep through the night once I fall asleep. I don’t know what my deal is tonight.

Anyhow, I thought I’d respond to a few comments posted on my blog.

First off, take it easy on Utah. :) I really do love my state, even if it’s not New York. (I love New York as well.) I could be happy living here or anywhere – even if it’s not the best place to meet gay guys.

I agree that my sexuality isn’t a teeny part of my makeup, but neither is my religion. :) In fact, I’d argue that my religion is a bigger part of me. Anyhow, back to my sexuality ... honestly, I don’t think it defines who I am. It’s just a part of me – nothing more, nothing less. A few people commented that I am trying to hide “who I really am.” I disagree. I am much more than homosexual. I don’t feel that my personality would change were I to come out of the closet. I would still be the same person.

I do agree, however, that coming out would help me feel more comfortable when the topic of marriage or dating came up. That would be the main benefit of coming out. For right now, I’m okay with avoiding those topics. In my opinion, the pros of coming out don’t outweigh the cons at this point. Maybe down the road sometime ... especially if it might help me find a job in PR, advertising or marketing. Ha!

Transition.

Though one reader keeps citing the Kinsey studies as hard facts, I think it would be fair to mention that Kinsey’s methods are highly disputed. The debate centers on his sampling methods. Many argue that he used a non-probability sample for his research, likely biasing his results. Moreover, most studies since that time report the actual homosexual population as much lower than 10 percent. It seems as though a mean of 4 percent or 5 percent has become the generally accepted proportion of homosexuals in the nation. Of course, sexuality is very difficult to measure in our society – especially considering its highly stigmatized nature – and it’s likely we will never know accurate stats on the issue.

Just thought I’d throw that in.

Kudos to the woman who has been living with her homosexual husband for six years. I would love to talk to that woman. I want to know more about their lives together. I’ve been dying to hear from a woman who is/was married to a gay Mormon. Ma’am, if you ever read this again, please comment on this blog. This Gay Mormon would REALLY appreciate that.

I must agree with Sophia. I don’t think that I need a cooperative friend to give me some gay physical lovin’. What I really need is a great relationship with a guy whom I love and who loves me in return. That’s what I need if I’m going to live as a homosexual. :) I don’t want to have sex with a guy just to help me get used to having sex with a guy. Ugh.

I appreciated Patmos’ caring comment. I believe he is sincere. I don’t think it’s fair to say that he has some ulterior motive, or that I shouldn’t trust him. Of course, I take a person’s biases into account when I consider his or her opinions; nonetheless, that doesn’t mean the person’s comments aren’t genuine. I believe in the inherent goodness of human beings (cheesy, I know), and I’d rather err on the side of trust. I work off the assumption that those who comment want the best for me. Perhaps I’m naïve. That’s okay. I’d rather be naïve than distrustful.

Moving on ... I agree that if I were to come out (when I come out is probably more accurate – I can’t keep this a secret forever), it would help many people see homosexuality in a different light. I’ve thought about telling people for that reason alone. I absolutely agree that it’s not my problem if they can’t handle the truth.

I do need to start getting support. I need a therapist, damn it. :) Sorry for the cuss word. It’s my guilty pleasure (that, and sleeping in).

Oh yeah, an update on the female friend (stated that way to avoid calling her a “girlfriend). She and I are just friends. I’ve changed my approach to the situation, and now it’s evident that I’m not pursuing a relationship. It probably confused her a bit, but that’s okay. It’s best for both of us.

I was sad to hear about one reader’s difficulties in her relationship with her gay Mormon boyfriend. So sorry that it caused her such trauma. That’s exactly what I don’t want to happen to any girl I date. Hence, the change to my approach with the female friend.

Okay, it’s late. Going to try to sleep again.

Night.

Another Michelle?

Well, I have been hanging out with a girl a lot lately. She’s really great. We have a lot of fun when we’re together. I think she is one of the funniest girls I know. However, I am beginning to worry, as I always do, that it’s not fair to date her because I’m gay. Now I’m stuck trying to decide what would be best for both her and me. So far, I’ve pursued the relationship as if it might go somewhere, but it’s only been a week, so it’s a little premature to judge. Nonetheless, I don’t know if this approach is fair to her. On the other hand, we just have fun together, so who cares. I’m leaving in a month and a half anyway.

I must admit that I hate some of my ulterior motives. Occasionally I think dating this girl would be nice just because it would ease many of my friends’ and family’s fears. Ha! That’s terrible. Honestly, that’s not why I hang out with this girl. She’s really a cool person – pretty too. Nonetheless, the thought is there, and it would be a nice perk to a relationship.

Also, I hate how I use my sexuality as an excuse (in my head) a lot of times. For example, I was kind of bugged about how she was acting tonight (she was acting less interested in me), and so I immediately thought, “Who cares? I like guys anyway.” Ha! I’m so pathetic. I’m sure there are tons of people out there – gay and straight – who find excuses to avoid getting hurt. It’s a natural human reaction, in my opinion. I’ve never opened up to anyone because I’m terrified of being rejected. I hate the thought. I’ve just got to remember that with any great opportunity comes great risk. Ahhh!

Mission Nostalgia

I recently attended my mission president’s homecoming. This event was a mile marker of sorts for me because I now have zero connections to the mission (i.e., I don’t know any of the missionaries serving there). That chapter of my life is more closed now than ever.

I had the chance to hang out with a bunch of mission friends this last weekend, and I got so nostalgic. Though those feelings can be sweet, I also hate them because there’s nothing I can do about them. I can’t go back in time. I can’t re-experience my mission. I just have to treasure the good memories from my mission and move on.

I haven’t felt this kind of nostalgia for a long time. I really feel like I’ve done a great job of moving on in life. However, then we started sharing mission stories over the weekend, and a flood of emotions inundated me. My mission really was wonderful. Though I sometimes feel like I failed as a missionary, I treasure that experience more than any other. I love the people, the cities, the history, the culture – everything. Of course, I’m forgetting all the difficult times, but that’s what makes memories so wonderful, right? You forget all the bad and remember just the good.

The mission reunion was also difficult for me because it reminded me of what’s at stake when it comes to my sexuality. If I choose to live a gay Mormon lifestyle, I will likely lose many of my mission friends. I won’t likely continue to go to reunions and mission events. I will likely become part of the mission gossip.

I really don’t want any of those things to happen.

This realization kind of stopped me in my tracks this weekend. It reminded me why I had chosen to fight my homosexual desires in the first place.

I want the best of both worlds, and I can’t have it. I’ve got to make sacrifices one way or the other.

Nostalgia … ugh!

Sleepless Nights

I can’t sleep. And for the first time in a long while, I don’t know what to say on my blog. I think my brain must be fried from all the fricking research I did today. Literally 12 hours worth. And why can’t I sleep? I have no idea!

I’m going to make this short.

While I’m at a loss for words, I’d like to thank those few individuals who post comments and write emails to me. I love the few cyber friendships I’ve been able to establish over the past few months. I’ve been busier than crap these past few weeks, so if I haven’t been prompt in replying to your emails, please forgive me.

Also, I really want to thank Robert, the Cingular customer care guy, who was kind enough to give me an additional 200 minutes a month on my existing plan. He has saved my gay Mormon butt! Thanks Robert.

By the way, I haven’t been too impressed with Cingular overall, so if any of you love your carrier, let me know.

Goodnight.

P.S. I've been into porn quite a bit lately. I don't like it, but I do.

Riled Feathers

First off … I just want to explain that, no, I wasn’t suggesting I am sad about not being a bishop by age 25 like my father. I just thought it was ironic that a reader said, “I was very intrigued by your last post and your family reunion. The thing that stuck the most was how your entire family revolves around what each of you have accomplished regarding church callings, etc. Obviously a 30-year-old Bishop would have been one of the signs of real success.”

Isn't that funny? I shared it to give more background on my family’s culture. Really, I don’t ever want to be a bishop. I think it would be one of the most difficult experiences, and I don’t like all the hoopla associated with big church callings.

The Church is very important to my family. They don’t seek callings, and they are some of the most down-to-earth people I know, but they really believe in the Church. And I think it’s a good thing. I think more people should exhibit pride in the organizations of which they are members.

Regarding the whole dad-son theory on homosexuality, I was really just speaking from personal experience. The research that I have seen has been mixed. I’ve heard it from both sides – the Evergreen folks and the gay community – and none of it is conclusive. Nonetheless, I just know that I personally have a poor relationship with my father. I also have a hard time building close relationships with men. I have many guy friends, but none of them are my really close buddies. Just good friends (which I’m happy about). I’ve noted in past blogs that once I get to know a guy, I’m usually no longer attracted to him. Perhaps that’s because I accept that he’s heterosexual and that I don’t have a chance with him – I don’t know.

I just thought I would see what you all had to say about it. Apparently everyone who reads this blog believes that homosexuality is strictly a genetic issue. I’ll be honest: I’m still skeptical. I have very distinct heterosexual memories that make me think otherwise. I’m not saying it’s not genetic for others, but I don’t know if my homosexuality is genetic-based. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I believe it’s a combination of both genetic and environmental factors. I think both play an important role in determining sexual orientation.

It’s good to know that many gay men have great relationships with their fathers.

By the way, I had never heard from the Church nor from BYU that homosexuality is caused by poor male-male relationships. I wouldn’t be surprised if they espoused those views, but I learned about it from Evergreen and like organizations.

C.D., that’s interesting that so many people have poor relationships with their fathers. You may be right that homosexuality has nothing to do with that.

Randy suggested that one can have homoerotic dreams, but not be gay. So does such a person not feel any attraction toward men during the day? Is that person only a gay sleeper? I don’t understand. Feel free to clarify if you want. I, personally, have had very few homoerotic dreams. Does that mean I’m a homosexual by day but a heterosexual by night? ;) Sorry. I’m just being a smart ass.

One reader said, “It sounds as if you are trying desperately to find a cause for your homosexuality.” He’s right. I think knowing the root cause of my sexuality might help me to resolve many issues. He’s also probably right that I’ll never truly know the cause. He raised some excellent questions about lesbians. Like I’ve said, I am totally ignorant about lesbianism, so if anyone wants to feel me in on it, please do.

BYU certainly has the ammo necessary to kick me out. I suppose I should be more careful, but, honestly, if they kicked out all the BYU students who look at porn, they’d lose a fifth of their student body.

I always knew that my parents would be very embarrassed if I came out; however, I had never really thought about it much until I read Scott’s comment. I absolutely agree. I think my father is very concerned about how my sexuality will reflect on him. In fact, I’ve begun wondering lately why my father has been supporting me so generously. He literally has given me several thousands of dollars over the past year. I wonder if he isn’t trying to pay me off to stay in the closet. :) That’s kind of funny. I’m probably over analyzing it. He’s probably just a loving parent who wants to help out his poor college student.

I found Andy’s comments to be very sincere and insightful. Thanks for the great thoughts. I’m still processing many of them.

Yes, the prophet and general authorities are human and fallible. However, that doesn’t mean they aren’t inspired men. The Church does have some black marks in history, but that doesn't mean its not true. To understand the Church’s history, one must consider context. The Church doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and to a certain degree it does evolve over time. I could easily argue that God would have it that way. Anyhow, this is really too big of a topic for me to discuss right now. Plus, I doubt either of us is going to convince the other of anything. :)

No, I don’t plan to stay in Utah. I would like to leave after I graduate. Anyone know of a public relations, marketing, or sales job I could have? Ha!

I love Utah, but I like the adventure of living somewhere new.

Is my sexuality reason enough to abandon my family, move to New York and surround myself with homosexual friends? I really do love my family, even though they are homophobic.

So, the United Church and Spain recognize homosexuality. Interesting. (I really don’t know what my response to those article was supposed to be. Is the one who posted those articles suggesting I move to Spain? Join the United Church? What's the implication? Just kidding. I’m just being a smart ass again. I’m in one of those moods.)