My Funky Balance
I’m referring mainly to the balance between my religion and my sexuality. Right now, I basically live most of the tenets of the Mormon faith, except I date guys and do gay things. I doubt my family or the church would approve of this balance, but I like it.
I’m posting about this because three or four months ago I was really questioning how closely I should follow Mormon principles. I had started to consider drinking and living a “less conservative” lifestyle. After all, I have plenty of questions about my faith, and I personally don’t think drinking is a big deal. I also don’t think kissing and having a good time with other men is bad.
But then I started to realize that the only motive I have for drinking is social pressure. I would love to go out to a bar and actually order a beer or an alcoholic beverage with my co-workers. I don’t think I’d necessarily enjoy the taste or the buzz or whatever, but I would like to feel a part of the group.
Then I realized that that motivation is the worst motivation ever. I like who I am. I like being unique. It is those same social pressures that made me want to find a wife and get married (a bad choice, in my opinion). It's just that simple desire to fit in and be a part of the majority.
I've simply re-realized that I like my minority status and my unique upbringing. I like that I’m a minority of a minority. Being Mormon segments me. Being gay and Mormon makes me even more unique. I like my heritage. I like my church. I like what it teaches. Why should I start to drink just to fit in? So stupid.
Now, this isn’t to say that I’ll never start having drinks. It’s very possible that I’ll start to drink alcohol at some point. I don’t know. For now, I’m good. And if I do decide to drink, I just know that my motivation should NOT be social pressures.
Regarding being “less conservative” ... I decided that I really want to find a Mormon guy who is gay and still lives his religion. I think I’ve found that with my crush in Utah. (We’ve texted a few times, but we still haven’t talked on the phone, by the way.) He is cute, loves his religion (but not too much), goes to church, wants to find the perfect guy, is funny, etc.
Admittedly, I don’t know him well. But I decided that I want someone like that (which may be the impossible dream). And if I want to get someone like that, then I had better try to be somewhat like that. It makes me feel better about not having much gay loving these days. It’s been a while …
But that’s okay. If I meet someone worth kissing, dating, etc., I’ll go for it. Until then, I’m going to keep living this funky balance. It’s working ... at least for now.
(This is actually a photo of me ... a first on this blog. Nice profile shot, eh? I'm wearing a crazy/cool wig, hence the funky hair. My amazing friend took this photo last night at a dance party. I was talking to someone next to the door, and my friend thought the lighting and curtains made for a cool picture. She was right.)