"Can I check out your place? I'm gay by the way."

The new life is good so far. I like the job. I like my temporary housing situation. I like my co-workers. I'm happy. Just thought I'd give you that quick update.

I must admit that I still hate looking for places to live. Somebody shoot me! I've actually run into a little problem: I don't know when to disclose my sexuality to potential roommates. Should I disclose it before looking at the place? While I'm at the place? After I move into a place?

I mean, I don't want them to think I'm trying to hide it from them, but at the same time I don't want them to discriminate against me or prejudge me for it. So far, I haven't told any of the places I've visited that I'm gay. I figure I can bring it up once I've moved in and gotten to know them a bit.

Of course, I'm getting ahead of myself. I don't even have a place to live yet!

Nothing else is new. No new dates or relationships. Still feeling fairly asexual.

By the way, thanks for all the well wishes regarding my new job. Thanks!

HAPPY PRESIDENT'S DAY!

I'm moving out today. I am such a transient. Ugh. I will be living with some friends for a few weeks while I look for housing close to my new job. I am excited and nervous about this. I will try to keep everyone updated on my situation; however, I don't know if I'll have regular Internet access at my friends' place. And then once I find my own place, I will still be computer-less. I need to buy one, or have my parents ship me my dinosaur from Utah.

Anywho ... HAPPY PRESIDENT'S DAY!!!

This Gay Mormon Will Be WORKING IT!

Good news!!! I am gainfully employed! I had an interview last week, and then I got an offer this week! I can't tell you how excited I am about my new position. I think it will lead me in the direction I want it to lead me. We'll see. And I'll certainly keep you posted. I'll be doing account management stuff (or so it seems) for a technology company. I'm excited. I know I’m being vague, but I don't want to get dooced. I'm sure you understand.

Of course, being employed has its drawbacks. As we speak, I am being removed from my parents' payroll! They had hardly said congratulations before telling me that they will be removing me from their health and car insurance policies and that they are going to transfer my car loan into my name and that they will forward me my student loans, etc., etc.. Ugh.

This "real world" thing can be a little depressing. I sat down and figured out my budget, and it doesn't look like people were meant to survive on entry-level salaries. Actually, I am very grateful for the salary I do have. I feel very, very lucky because I have friends who are making much less. I honestly have no room to complain. Nonetheless, I can see that my disposable income isn't going to be very disposable. I'll be needing all of it to survive.

Horray for the real world!

Who are you?

I'm just curious about the religious makeup of those who visit this site. Please let me know your religion (past, present, future). If you have ever been Mormon, please mark Mormon. Love your guts!!

P.S. I realize this survey will not be accurate for various reasons. Thank you Stats 221.

The Tabling of the Testimony

I just read a post about me and some other gay Mormons on the blog of a married gay Mormon. Actually, the guy doesn't identify as "gay." He prefers "SSA." Anyhow, he essentially said that I just don't get it. He concluded his post by saying:

"Maybe I just value my membership in the church more than they do. I certainly value it more than the short lived pleasure I would get from indulging my desires. Maybe it really is as simple as 'they just don't get it.'"

A couple things regarding his post ...

First, I admit that my actions indicate a departure from the church and its teachings on homosexuality. If I am sinning, may God have mercy on my soul. I'm simply trying to figure things out. I'm trying to be cautious, and I'm learning a lot. Perhaps I will eventually learn that I made a huge mistake by beginning to date guys. That conclusion is a very real possibility. I just read a great post from a guy who is questioning his notion of true love. I really enjoyed his analysis of it all. I think that I, too, might be seeking something that doesn't exist. I don't know.

Nonetheless, I do know that my quest is not for the "short-lived pleasure I would get from indulging my desires." The implication in that statement is overtly sexual. So far, I've learned that the last thing I want is some one-night stand or casual sexual encounter. I realize I am vulnerable at this point, and I'm trying to be extremely cautious. I'll keep you posted on my successes and failures.

Second, I must say that I envy "LDS with SSA." His faith is exceptional. I lack that sort of faith. For better or for worse, this struggle of mine has made me question my faith. As "LDS with SSA" points out, the church is very much an all-or-nothing belief system. I can't select the parts I like and disregard the ones I don't like. That's why I've basically tabled my testimony for the time being. I don't want to make that difficult decision yet.

I've been told by several people in the last month that I must seek God's will for me (which means, by interpretation, that I must find out if the church is true). I guess I am afraid of finding out. For example, let's say that God tells me the church is absolutely true and is his one and only true church. If that were to happen, I don't know if I'd have the will power to live its teachings honestly. On the other hand, if I don't get a response and I feel the church isn't true, then life will immediately become more confusing for me. What would that mean for my spirituality, my belief system, my future, my life. Honestly, my religious convictions have gotten me through so much in life. They have enriched my life, I dare say. Heck, the doctrines have given my life meaning and purpose. I like them. I love them. I would hate to abandon them.

That's why I have put my testimony aside for right now. I am not in the mood to confront the answer. But I can't just sit in limbo for the rest of my life. I need to revisit my belief in the church very soon. Sigh. I think I'm going to wait a little longer. I need to figure out careers and other things first.

I'm such a fricking procrastinator.

Give me some straighties

I'm quickly figuring out the type of gay people I like to hang around -- basically those who don't act gay. I went out with some "more flamboyant" types tonight. They were very friendly and nice. Good guys. Really good guys. Nonetheless, they just aren't my crowd. I'm not saying I need some uberstuds flocking around me. I simply want friends who are less ... animated? ... expressive? ... loud?

Overall I had a nice night. They laughed at my jokes, which was nice. I like people who think I'm funny. Yes, I'm self-absorbed.

I've actually been lucky because only one group so far has been kind of flamboyant. Still, I'm missing my straight friends right now. I've been doing so much with the gay crowd lately. I think I'm going to have to find a balance between gay and straight friends. Here I come church activities!

Action, Reaction

I've always known that my gay decisions would hurt some of my relationships. Now, I'm experiencing the hurt firsthand. Ugh. The worst part: it's hurting my relationship with my best friend. I love her to death. And I know she loves me just as much. However, we're still learning how to approach the gay issues of my life.

I must admit before going on that I don't know how I expect her to react to all of this. It's confusing and frustrating for her as well, and it's obviously a conflict for her on some level.

Last night she and I talked on the phone. It was the first time we had talked since I kissed TDH. I told her about the kiss and explained the whole night to her. She listened attentively, even laughing and joking with me throughout the conversation. She also gave some great advice regarding my situation with TDH. Nonetheless, I could hear a tone of sadness or discomfort in her voice while we were talking.

At the end of our conversation, I asked if what we had discussed made her feel uncomfortable. She said she is completely comfortable discussing these issues, but she wants me to know that she doesn't agree with what I'm doing. It hurt to hear that. I'm glad she did share her feelings with me because I always appreciate honesty. But it still hurt. I don't know how I expected her to react to my homosexual stories. I guess I can't expect her to abandon her values and beliefs for me. She is too good to do that. I admire her commitment to her religious core.

I guess I am just sad because we've always been able to talk about everything. She reassured me that I can still tell her about my experiences, but if it's going to be a painful experience for both of us, I don't want to share. Why is it so important to her that I know she disagrees with my decisions? I mean, this isn't the first time she's told me she disapproves. I know that she doesn't agree, and I even respect her beliefs. But why is it so important that I know she disagrees? Why does she have to mention that every time we talk about my gay experiences?

Well, I know why. She loves me. She wants me to follow the church's teachings. It naturally hurts to see someone deviate from the church's doctrines. It hurts me, too. Anyhow, I guess I'm just going to have to limit my homosexual stories with her. Sigh.

Moving on ...

Thaaaaaaank yoooooooou, Bill! I agree full heartedly with his comment on my last post. He said my blog would naturally be self-centered because it's an autobiographical blog! Thank you for pointing that out. That's exactly what I thought when I first read the comment from reader X who said my blog has become progressively more "self-absorbed."

Here's my assessment of the situation. I actually went back and reviewed my blog entries over the past year (you can tell the comment caused some discomfort). I wanted to see if reader X was right. After analyzing my writing, I have to say that I personally didn't see the progressive slide toward "self-absorbedness." I did notice, however, several other changes over the past year. I acknowledge that my assessment is naturally biased, but I still want to share my findings.

First, when I started my blog, I talked a lot about my struggles with homosexuality as a member of the church. It was the first time getting these struggles out in writing, and it was basically my only outlet. As of late, I don't focus on the inherent problems of being gay and Mormon. I feel like I've covered those difficulties fairly well. I can't just keep rehashing them. Well, I can. But I don't like to. Plus, I rehash them enough with the people I've started telling about my sexuality.

Second, my writing was more dramatic at the beginning. I was very serious. The blog focused a lot on my porn and masturbation issues, and I was obviously sad in a lot of my writing. Over time, my posts have become less dramatic, and more light-hearted and sarcastic. It has definitely focused less on deep issues and more on the day-to-day issues I deal with.

Third, over the past year, you'll also notice my writing has departed from the church's rhetoric. It's obvious in my writing that I have distanced myself from the church and from my testimony to a certain degree. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have kissed a guy last week. I'm not saying this is good. It's just a fact of life for me right now.

Those are the major changes that I noticed. But regardless of the changes in my blog, one thing is clear: it's always been ALL ABOUT ME! It has never focused on anyone else. It has never focused on my volunteer activities, my career pursuits, my love for my family and friends, or anything that doesn't relate to being gay and Mormon. (In fact, you might be surprised to know that I have actually been more involved in volunteerism in the last five months than I have ever in my life.)

At the beginning, my blog was about my porn, masturbation and church issues. Nowadays it's about my dating life with guys. Yes, it has evolved. And no, its evolution does not please everyone.

However, let's get to the real issue at hand. I believe that those readers who have been critical of my blog's evolution are simply unhappy with my decisions. And that's perfectly fine. But all three people who have criticized my blog's changes are Mormon. Naturally they are going to be disappointed that I'm not "holding to the iron rod."

I must admit that I feel bad from time to time that my blog has become "less inspiring" for the struggling gay Mormons of the world. I wish I were perfect and lived my religion perfectly. I wish I could be that perfect example for other gay Mormons. Unfortunately, I am human. I am living my life the best I can. Don't give up on me yet! I still haven't made any solid decisions on how I'm going to live my life. I still love my religion, even though I don't live its teachings perfectly. For all I know, I may end up marrying some woman. That seems to be the least likely scenario at this point, but it's still a possibility.

In summary: my blog will continue to change and evolve, and not everyone will be happy with its direction. But that's okay. I accept that.

In any case, I welcome critical comments like the one I received from reader X. It gave me some time for introspection. Believe it or not, I am actually looking for some volunteer opportunities in my area. I really do enjoy doing service, so I'm now more motivated to get involved in the community again. So, basically, your criticisms just make me a better person. ;) lol. By the time I finish blogging, I will be perfect. Keep the criticisms coming ...

If I'm not hot and horny, I'm not feeling normal.

I've been thinking a lot about the lack of sexual interest I experienced while kissing TDH. Remember a long time ago when I said I thought my homosexuality was a product of my childhood experiences? For those who don't remember, I once opined that certain childhood experiences may have made me feel alienated by the male gender. Perhaps those small traumas left voids in my life, voids that I now seek to fill using male affection.

So now the following question: could it be that those voids were filled the other night? Albeit temporarily? Perhaps all I want is the closeness, the cuddling, the kissing. As long as I am feeling love and affection from men, perhaps I don't need the sex. Perhaps I really was just "sexualizing" my emotional needs. (That seems to be a catch phrase that many gay Mormons use these days.)

On the other hand, isn't that what heteros go through too? I mean, don't heterosexuals look for love and affection as well, but occasionally they sexualize those needs?

I don't know. I just find it extremely interesting that I wasn't as horny as I usually am. I've been feeling this way for some time now (probably about a month). I do go through these phases though. My sex drive just goes away for a few weeks. Well, I guess it hasn't completely disappeared because I do reflect fondly upon my first kiss with TDH several times every day. I loved it. Anyhow, I'm just trying to figure out the sexual side of things.

Who knows ... next week I might be humping the legs of all things male. In other words, I tend to go back and forth on these issues a lot.

Just a quick FYI: I haven't heard from TDH since last Thursday. I would call/message him, but I don't want to be too aggressive. I really don't know gay dating protocol. Who pursues whom? Do both pursue each other? So far, I've assumed the position of pursuee, but only because I am so new to this. I wouldn't even know how to be the pursuer.

By the way, thanks everyone for being so happy for me. I honestly haven't felt this good for a long while. I feel like the luckiest person alive right now. I really do feel extremely blessed (dare I use religious terminology when I'm "drinking damnation to my soul"?). I am really happy with how things have gone so far. I loved reading all of your comments regarding my first kiss. They were great!

Last comment for the night ... Gay Mormon's level of self-absorption (refer to the comment by "Four" on the previous post).

Though I'd like to think I'm not terribly self-absorbed, I probably am. It's hard to give yourself an honest assessment. I definitely think volunteer work and service give life meaning/purpose/fulfillment. I appreciate the reader's honest opinion of me, and I will certainly try to be less self-centered and to focus more on helping others. That should really be a lifetime pursuit for me, considering my natural desire is to focus all my attention on me.

Perhaps "Four" thinks I'm self-absorbed because I've been talking about working out lately. Just so you know, this lackluster body of mine is nothing to brag about. I've only begun working out in the last month, and I only mention that on my blog because it's the only joy I get from it – bragging rights. I think lifting weights is boring, but I – like most people in this world – want a nice body. Trust me though: I'm far from having that killer body. Unless you consider white flab "killer." I know I have muscles somewhere, but I'm just trying to find them. So you see, for me working out is really about self-discovery, not self-absorption or vanity. Ha!

Okay, maybe the reader has a point with his/her comment about my self-centeredness.

Hit Me With The Consequences

As reported, tonight was my date with TDH. Oh wow. Where do I begin?

Let's start with the disappointing stuff – i.e., my fricking face! Apparently I'm still in junior high because for the past two days I've been battling these two HUGE zits on my nose. I look like a deformed Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer with two red, glowing globes protruding from my snout. These monster zits ticked me right off because they are MUCH bigger than my normal zits. I mean, I get pimples every once in a while, but they are never this big. I swear. At first I was a little self-conscious about it, but then I said to myself: "Screw it! If he can't get past a temporary zit – or two – then he's not worth it." It worked. I didn't think about it till I got home.

So we had dinner first. I'm happy to report that I felt nearly normal and comfortable with him. Very little nervousness or awkwardness. I also felt like I was talking more freely. I just had a good time. I can't even begin to tell you how funny this guy is. He's absolutely hilarious. I know ... he's hot, he's funny, and he's successful. You're probably thinking: "Gay Mormon is just twitterpated with some average guy. This happens to all first timers." I assure you – this guy is not average. And I'm not just saying that because he's hot. Like I've said before, personality does so much for me. A good-looking guy can become ugly in a second if I don't like his personality.

Anyhow, after dinner we went back to his place. Yeah, you can probably see where this is going. Don't stop reading. It's all good. We put on a movie, and we began watching it with both of us lying on the floor next to each other ... but not touching. After about 15 minutes, he got up for a drink. When he lay back down, his shoulder was touching me. I could have melted. We stayed like that for another 15 minutes or so. Then he went to the bathroom. When he came back, he lay down even closer to me. He put his hand out on the floor. I put my hand over his. We started holding hands. Then we moved on to full-blown cuddling. Again, I'm melting.

We cuddled for about 10 more minutes. Then he leaned over ... and ... he started kissing me. We made out for about 15 minutes. Then we stopped for about 10 minutes. Then we made out for another 15 or 20 minutes. And that was it! You don't believe me, but believe it. I may no longer have virgin lips, but I am definitely still a virgin! :) I didn't even lose anything in the process, if you know what I mean. I was actually surprised with my non-horniness. I just didn't feel the urge to go further than kissing and making out – even though I was excited at the time, if you know what I mean. In fact, I was laughing inside because I thought to myself: "Maybe I'm not gay. I mean, I'm not even close to wanting anything more than kissing." Of course, I enjoyed the make-out session a little too much to be considered straight.

The best part: he didn’t try to pressure me into anything I wasn't comfortable with. He placed his hand lightly over my crotch at one point, and I just gently moved his hand up to my stomach. He got the hint. It was funny because I was so nervous about the whole experience that I was literally shaking when we began kissing. It was a good nervousness, though. I had so much fun!

The weirdest part: I don't feel guilty at all. Not before, not during, not after. I was all grins coming home. I think I would feel differently if I had gone further than kissing. Fortunately, we didn't. I don't know what these guiltless feelings mean, but I accept them. Perhaps the guilt will hit later. Who knows...

The funniest part: he didn't know I was VL. I thanked him afterward for being such a great first kiss, and he about crapped his pants. I'm glad he didn't suspect anything – it makes me think I wasn't too horrible of a kisser. He said he was glad I hadn't told him beforehand because he would have been a lot more nervous. I had just assumed he knew. He knows I'm new to the gay dating world. That's funny.

I realize that TDH may never call me again. I wouldn't blame him. You should see the size of the zits on my nose. Plus, when I got home I had gel flakes all over my hair. It looked as if I had been rolling around in a tub of dandruff. Horrifying. In any case, I'm prepared for the disappointment that may be coming my way. I mean, I still think I am into him more than he's into me. Nonetheless, I'm happy. I feel so good right now. I'm still grinning. I'll just have to deal with the pain of rejection when that comes. For now, I'm just going to bask in the great feelings associated with kissing the guy of my dreams.

Thank you TDH!

Now, Internet friends, it's your turn to lay down the consequences for me saying I wouldn't kiss him. Can't wait to hear what you'd consider a fair punishment for my misdeeds.

All written items are binding ... I hope.

I can think of a lot of things the number 5,000 might describe ... the number of Q-Tips in a carton at Costco ... the amount of cattle on a ranch ... the model number of an electronics device ... the number of people converted to Mormonism every hour. But 5,000 should NEVER describe the number of partners a person has had in his lifetime! Holy crap!

When I first read that, I thought, "Whatever makes him happy." Still something about that really didn't sit well. I couldn't really put my finger on it at first, but then it hit me: that dude was just using all those men. That's why it's wrong. He didn't/doesn't care about them, because we all know that "caring" extends beyond hoping the next piece of meat is disease free. Sure, that guy probably had consensual sex with all 5,000; however, he certainly hurt many of those men. And he just used them to get off. That's wrong (in my humble opinion).

Soap box ends here. < /soapbox >

Well, the date is set for tomorrow. I'm excited, but I wanted to report that I have set boundaries for myself. I've decided that I will not do anything with this guy tomorrow. He's not really done anything to prove that he cares about me. In fact, he's kind of done the opposite. Not worth explaining right now, but there is some indication that he is playing me. It's hard to say at this point. In any case, as hot as he is (and trust me, he is FRICKING hot), I don’t think I'd be satisfied or happy with myself if I were to just give up my virgin lips to some guy who doesn't care about me. I don't want to be one of this guy's 5,000. Oh lordy, that's definitely the last thing I want to be.

Anyhow, I just thought I'd report my commitment here so that I can be held accountable. If I end up kissing this guy or – heaven forbid – going further, then I will face consequences. Consequences that I will let you, my loving readers (except for that hateful anonymous dude who commented at the end of this list of comments), decide upon.

That should motivate me to keep my word.